


just add band-aids

by vivalagay



Series: #stanhoneypup (honeypup one shots) [10]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Choking, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Porn With Plot, Rimming, bottom!jh, is this porn? i think this is porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 14:25:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16286321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalagay/pseuds/vivalagay
Summary: "I'm the one who gets my heart broken," he mutters. "Don't be like your hyung, okay? Whenever you start dating, you can't get so attached that your heart gets broken. You have to be the one who pulls back, all right? Your heart is too precious. You can't let people break it."If only Minhyuk knew Jooheon already has.or, Jooheon doesn't mean to fall for his best friend, it just happens. Kind of how sleeping with his (sort of un-single) best friend just happens too.





	just add band-aids

**Author's Note:**

> don't be fooled i am a whole power bottom minhyuk stan but i simultaneously love bottom jooheon so much ??? i got two bottoms and no top that is no fun at any party
> 
> ｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈•ﾟ｡
> 
> [tumblr](https://nottechae.tumblr.com/) ❖ [twitter](https://twitter.com/gaybyjoobs) → [**high voltage when we kiss printed ver (us, ca & eu)**](https://vivalagay.wufoo.com/forms/purchase-high-voltage-when-we-kiss/) ←

The front door slams closed to Minhyuk draped over Hyungwon's shoulder, arms and legs dangling limply over his unsteady body like a corpse. Jooheon scrambles from the couch when Hyungwon trips over their shoes messily kicked off at the door (with how many times Jooheon and Minhyuk have done the same it only makes sense to organize it, but… well, they haven't gotten around to that yet,) and helps Jooheon's dumb friend get on the couch. Hyungwon pretty much just drops him, sending Minhyuk falling with a soft thud on Jooheon's heap of blankets. He groans―the only sign that he is in fact alive―and reaches an arm back, lazily scratching at his shoulder blade.

"Sorry if we woke you up," Hyungwon mutters. Jooheon just brushes the apology off with a careless wave of his hand as if it’s nothing, as if he could have actually fallen asleep.

He's been waiting for Minhyuk to come back home for quite some time, blinking rapidly against heavy eyelids and splashing handfuls of icy cold water over his face until he heard the jumbled mess of a key pushing into the lock. Pathetic, yes, but if Minhyuk doesn't show by one AM, then Jooheon knows he's going to need him.

He's just naturally a considerate friend. And a good roommate. It's one of the reasons why he and Minhyuk are so close to each other.

It looks like Hyungwon could use some of his amiability too. He smells like he fell into a puddle of beer and each of his steps are executed a little unbalanced, his words slowing down as he speaks into a tinge of a slur, which says a lot seeing as it’s normal for Hyungwon to take some time getting his sentences out. It’s weird; he never drinks.

Hyungwon pats Minhyuk's head of a wild pink fringe, droopy eyes looking down at him as he kneels beside the couch. "We would've came earlier if Minhyuk would stop dancing. I had to drag him out of the club."

"Liar," Minhyuk grumbles, though a dopy smile pulls on his face as he squints up at them that tells it all. "Hyungwon left me ―"

 _"Lost you,"_ Hyungwon promptly corrects.

"― so many times," Minhyuk slurs. "Asshole. I wouldn't have drank if he didn't leave me."

Frustration briefly furrows in Hyungwon's brows. "I asked you to stay in one place."

"But I wanted to dance," Minhyuk argues. "You should be lively at clubs, you know? Hongdae isn't for sitting around all day."

Hyungwon exhales a sigh and leaves another pat to Minhyuk's nest of hair again. His stroke comes off a bit awkward, more stiff, less affectionate than how they've been tangled in each other for the past month, and Minhyuk looks at him with some sad glint in his eyes that Jooheon knows all too well before he's reaching up and planting a wet kiss to his forehead.

With a tired smile, Hyungwon wipes the wetness away with the back of his hand. "See you."

"Tomorrow?" Minhyuk asks. Desperately, he grips onto Hyungwon's arm before he has a chance to stand, but it only brings out the furrow in his eyebrows again.

"Sorry, no," Hyungwon whispers like he doesn't want Jooheon to hear. "I'll see you around."

He gives Jooheon a nod, smile spread over his lips that doesn't reach his eyes, before he steps into his shoes at the door and stumbles out of the apartment.

It’s so silent as soon as the door closes behind him that Jooheon can feel the blatant emptiness closing in on them. Minhyuk rests on his belly, entirely still, staring blankly into space. Jooheon wonders what’s on his mind ― if it’s anything.

"So," Jooheon utters as he plops onto the cushion beside him, "it seems like you had a good night."

"I did!" Minhyuk hops into his arms messily, curling in Jooheon's side with his whole body practically in his lap, a small giggle pushed from his lips. "I want to do it again, Jooheon-ah. But with you. Hyungwon was ready to leave in one hour. You could go all night."

"Damn straight."

"You're like my other half," Minhyuk grins. His hands shove in Jooheon's fringe, making a mess of it, laughing at the way the tufts of orange twines with his slender fingers. "Nope, you _are_ my other half. My best friend. The first few minutes I interviewed you to be my roommate I said to Kihyun, 'This guy, I love him.' You can ask him if you want and he'll tell you. I loved you. I love you. You're the best roommate."

A smile tugs at Jooheon's lips. "I know."

"Yup, you should know." Silence falls over them in quiet breaths. Minhyuk pushes his face into Jooheon's cheek, eyes fluttering closed, nose brushing gently there like he's tracing a drawing into his skin. "You're my favorite person in the whole world. People always leave me, but you haven't."

"I wouldn't know what to do if I did."

"Me neither. I'd just die, like with old couples. You know when they die of heart break? We're an old couple."

Jooheon exhales a laugh. They've only been friends for a year, but sometimes it feels like he's shared this apartment with Minhyuk for half of his life. Maybe even most of it. Like the moment Minhyuk called him a day after his interview―a memory so perfectly unfolded in his mind of being kicked out of his apartment in flannel pajamas and an over-sized hoodie for yet another night of his former roommate dragging in a girl from work, only two rings from his cellphone and a chirpy voice to save him―that's where his life began.

There's aimless hands still rummaging through his hair when Minhyuk gags, and then Jooheon is scrambling to rush him to the washroom where he barely makes it over the toilet.

His fingers tightly curl at the toilet bowl whilst Jooheon tries to pat some sort of sympathy on his back. It's mostly just dry coughs and spits until Minhyuk's shoulders quiver, grip tightening to white knuckles, and Jooheon does his best to not feel useless with only a comforting hand to help him.

"I'm ―" Minhyuk heaves over the toilet again, an awful, strangled sound emitted from his mouth that Jooheon can only look away in a grimace.

Drinking is the last thing in Minhyuk's alley. Jooheon would say he's not much of a drinker himself (well, at least compared to most of the students at his university anyway,) but through a few bottles and somewhere to sit he can hold his own. Minhyuk, with the lowest alcohol tolerance Jooheon has ever seen, is off the walls after barely any shots, yapping away and trying to give strangers lap dances. It's a lesson Jooheon has learned from knowing him. Merely looking away from a drunk Minhyuk gives him enough time to run off and try to feel some man up.

But nevertheless Minhyuk seems to know how to take care of himself. Sort of. He isn't one to drink himself until he's clutched over the toilet in agonized moans and vomiting. And Jooheon can't help feeling a little annoyed he wasn't invited to come to Hongdae with them. It was a date night, sure, and Jooheon knows Hyungwon wouldn't have wanted to drag along their friend to get in the way, but besides that, Jooheon wouldn't have lost Minhyuk to drown himself in alcohol.

"My kidneys hate me and I hate me," Minhyuk grumbles. He spits into the toilet again, legs tucked under himself before he casually props two arms on the toilet bowl like it's a marble kitchen counter. "I'm not drinking anymore, I swear. I'm done with it. Completely. I'm a fucking mess."

"You're not a mess," Jooheon tells him. "Just one too many. That's all."

"No! I'm a mess!" Minhyuk's hair is plastered over his forehead in damp sweat, hanging limply in his red-rimmed eyes. "I'm annoying. And clingy. I'm always just sitting around taking up space. It's why everyone leaves me in the end."

Tears spill down Minhyuk's flushed face like all the water inside of him has suddenly reached full capacity, breaking from his waterline and dripping onto the toilet bowl in rushed tears.

Jooheon silently smooths a hand over his back, squeezing at his shoulder because it's all he can think to do. "Don't say that."

"You know it's true," Minhyuk whimpers into his palms. He drags a hand over his face, messily smearing the tears on his skin. "Hyungwon broke up with me, Jooheon-ah."

It makes sense, and Jooheon hates to say it, but it was only a matter of time. This―Minhyuk crying and heart broken―was inevitably going to happen.

Jooheon hates that things always unfold this way for his hyung, and honestly for a while he was convinced Hyungwon would be the one boy in Minhyuk's life who stays for a long time. Maybe even forever. But Jooheon could tell it would end up like this, because Minhyuk fairly gets his heart broken and Jooheon loathes it.

Hyungwon is different from all the other boys Minhyuk has wasted his time on. He would show up as often as he could with a sweet, shy smile, hands pocketed in his jacket like it's another first date. The whiteboard on their refrigerator was always scribbled with something from Hyungwon he thought was cute―the whiteboard specifically for chores and their weekly grocery shopping list that has had Minhyuk coming from the store with missing items ever since they started dating―and he would always ask Jooheon if needs anything before they headed out, making him feel included unlike every other boy Minhyuk falls for.

It probably has something to do with the fact they were all friends with each other before Hyungwon decided Minhyuk was cute and Minhyuk became overwhelmed with how under all that quietness Hyungwon was nice and sweet. Their friend, Kihyun, met Hyungwon on a school retreat, and then they all sort of fell into each other's lives so easily and comfortably. Hyungwon became an official member of their friend group like he had been friends with them this whole time.

Jooheon guesses now it'll just be the three of them again.

"People say, 'it's not you,' all the time, but it's always you. Always," Minhyuk sniffs. "He said we're just better off as friends, but he doesn't even want to see me tomorrow."

"I'm sorry," Jooheon whispers, pathetically.

Minhyuk wipes at his eyes with shuddering sniffs and quivering shoulders. "This always happens to me. Boys always say they'll be my friend and that it's them, but it's never the truth. It's because I'm too much. It's because of me. It always is. I hate when people lie to me."

"But Hyungwon isn't just people," Jooheon reminds him. "Maybe he does really think you guys are better off as friends."

"Yeah, right," Minhyuk scoffs. "He's not going to want anything to do with me, like everyone else. No one ever wants anything to do with me."

It's enough to have him breaking into tears again. Jooheon pulls him into his arms and lets Minhyuk sob quietly into his chest, breaths heavy and shaky like his skinny frame limply resting in Jooheon's arms. He's done this so many times, holding Minhyuk, whispering sweet nothings into his hair as he cries over yet another boy. But still, somehow, it rips at his heart like it's the first time Jooheon has ever seen Minhyuk come apart over someone.

"I hate myself," Minhyuk cries into his tee shirt, words jumbled and cheeks flushed. "I really thought Hyungwon would be the one."

"I know."

"I'm so tired of it, Jooheon-ah. It hurts so much. I'm tired of getting my heart broken."

Jooheon pats his back in a firm rhythm of sympathy. It's all that can really be done to comfort him. "I know, hyung."

They end up lying together once Minhyuk jumps in the shower to wash away the scent of sweat and liquor. Once Jooheon managed to drag him through the hall and pull the blankets over him, Minhyuk held onto him tightly like a stubborn child, refusing to let him go. Jooheon doesn't care too much about giving in. He knows better than to leave him alone anyway.

"Maybe I should've known he would break up with me from the start," Minhyuk speaks to the ceiling. "It always felt like I liked him more. I just ignored it because I liked him so much and I wanted to be happy with him. I really wanted to love him..."

His voice crumbles into incomprehensible shrill words, dissipating into a tight wheeze.

"Stop it." Jooheon frames Minhyuk's face in his palms, and for a fleeting moment he notices the way his eyes slightly widen at how stern Jooheon's voice is. "No more crying over him, all right?"

"You're not even going to give me a few days to get over it?"

"Does he deserve a few days?" Jooheon pats at Minhyuk's teary eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "Come on, I didn't agree to sleep with you so you can get the pillows all wet. No more crying."

"Okay, no more crying," Minhyuk laughs. He wipes at his cheeks too, fingers slipping over Jooheon's hand on his face in a soft pat. "Thank you for being so patient with me. This happens all the time and you probably think I'm such an idiot for walking in the same situation over and over again."

Jooheon quickly shakes his head. "I don't think you're an idiot."

"Well, I am." Another breathy laugh escapes Minhyuk's lips. He sniffs quietly and brushes a hand at his hair. "You're the best, Jooheon-ah."

A streetlight nearly shines in the window, taking away from the natural light the moon gleams with in the night sky, but Jooheon is still helplessly moonstruck from the way Minhyuk glows underneath it. Even with puffy cheeks and eyes, his long hair damp and shaggy, he still tugs at Jooheon's heart without even having to try.

"I don't need anyone but you, right?" Minhyuk says then, a sense of playfulness in his voice when he catches Jooheon staring. He shoots him a smile Jooheon more so _feels_ than sees, hand running up his chest with slow fingers.

And it's one of those times when Jooheon knows Minhyuk has a pretty good idea of what he's doing. It's hard figuring him out sometimes, trying to discern what's behind the radiant smiles that crinkle at his eyes. Minhyuk's so terribly well with it ― playing dumb and oblivious to the point even bringing it up makes Jooheon anxious.

Or maybe Jooheon's just misunderstanding things, perceiving something as what it's really not. And maybe the way Minhyuk rubs at his chest is because he's still drunk and he just wants something to feel. Something obliging and soft and warm under his hands.

"Right?" Minhyuk eggs on. There's a soft kiss he presses to Jooheon's jaw, letting his lips linger there for a heartbeat as if Jooheon's breath doesn't hitch.

Jooheon flicks his eyes at him, looks away when he realizes that was a mistake. "I'm not entertaining you."

"Why not?"

"Because," Jooheon murmurs, fluffing the pillow under his head, pulling the sheets higher over his body. Anything to keep him from thinking of the way his heart thuds. "You have no idea what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing," Minhyuk smiles, tugging at his shirt, stamping a kiss into his neck, over his collarbone.

Jooheon could just fall into it. It'd be so easy. He could pull him close, let Minhyuk's soft lips slip over his skin, hands graze his body. Be that something for him to feel.

"You're drunk, hyung," Jooheon reminds him, yet he doesn't push Minhyuk away when he mouths at his neck again, mouth so hot and wet, so desperate. "You won't remember this."

"You don't know that."

Jooheon could oblige so easily. He could be the flesh and bone that he wants. Something soft and warm for him to touch.

Minhyuk's mouth slides up his jawline, hurried but somehow still a proper tease, catching Jooheon's earlobe in his mouth. Hand sinking down his chest, feeling over his ribs like he's trying to figure out a way to count all of them, tongue tracing over the shape of his ear.

It could be so easy. He could just let him do it. He could just let him make him is, use him how he wants ―

Jooheon yanks away the hand teasing at his belly. "Quit it."

The jab to his shoulder is so gentle, but Minhyuk flops on his back like it was a vehement shove.

"Hmph," is the only response he gets from it. Exhaustion falls on Minhyuk's face, a sigh softly pushed from his lips as he pulls the sheets in his hands until he's enveloped in them shoulders down.

"I'm going to bully you in the morning," Jooheon threatens him. It's easier to laugh and joke than thinking of the anxiety clutched in his belly, twisting like his intestines are the bow of a Christmas present. "I'll tell you all about how helpless you are. You're never living this down."

Minhyuk quietly chokes out a laugh, like there's supposed to be something comprehensible about that.

Jooheon wonders if Minhyuk can hear the way his heart punches at his ribs like it wants to shoot right out of his chest. If he notices the way Jooheon can't help losing himself in the way his lips move when he speaks.

"Think about it this way," Jooheon yawns and scratches a hand at his hair, "I can only imagine how awful your mouth tastes right now, and then I would only be able to associate you with that under-cooked steak you tried making that one time."

"Sure, that's a good point," Minhyuk lazily smiles. "You just hate me, that's all. Go ahead and say it."

Jooheon laughs. "What do you mean, 'go ahead and say it?' You really think I would deny that?"

Minhyuk hits him, quiet laughs thumping in their chests before they settle for a silence again. Minhyuk squirms under the covers to find a way to stretch over the bed comfortably and drapes his legs over Jooheon’s in the most natural way. There's something special about the quietness, about being swallowed in the night, like the wind against their window, the honk of a horn in the distance is only for the two of them.

"Jooheon-ah," Minhyuk suddenly calls, eyes closed, words leaving his lips husky and slow. He waits until Jooheon hums in response before his mouth opens again, voice in its same gentleness. "There are always two kinds of people in relationships: the kind who breaks hearts, and the kind who gets their heart broken."

A thin stripe of moonlight illuminates half of Minhyuk's face. He looks a little calmer than before, sleep dawning on him. Jooheon can still see the wetness of his eyelashes.

"I'm the one who gets my heart broken," he mutters. "Don't be like your hyung, okay? Whenever you start dating again, you can't get so attached that your heart gets broken. You have to be the one who pulls back, all right? Your heart is too precious. You can't let people break it."

They fall into a comfortable silence. Minhyuk faces the other way and briskly falls to sleep with slow and quiet breaths, and all Jooheon can do is look at him. Look at how his lips part slightly, think of how those same lips were on him only moments before, studying how his chest rises and falls, hair brushed over his face messily yet still somehow so beautiful. So mesmerizing.

_Your heart is too precious. You can't let people break it._

If only Minhyuk knew Jooheon already has.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Now's your time to properly slide in," Kihyun claims, contemplating the right place to bite from the thick sandwich in his palms.

The wind brushes gently at Jooheon's ruffled fringe. He was the one who insisted the warm sun hanging brightly in the sky was comfortable enough for eating on a bench after their afternoon classes. Usually he would've invited Minhyuk to tag along, the thought of shooting a text over to Kihyun only following, but Minhyuk is still in his feelings over Hyungwon and rather sleep whenever there's nothing else to distract himself with.

It's how he deals with things, every break up ― crawling under his covers, and then popping out with a wide smile that doesn't entirely reach his eyes. Jooheon has tried to be there for him as much as he can. Video games and potato chips can only take a man so far.

"I can't just slide in, hyung," Jooheon opposes with a quick shake of his head. "Hyungwon is our friend, and besides that, it's barely been two weeks since they've broken it off. That's awkward."

"You're just saying that as an excuse to not slide in, which you've been doing for months," Kihyun tsks. He finally finds where to sink his teeth into, dripping mayonnaise and a slice of tomato over his plate. "You've liked Minhyuk since forever. It's time to take initiative before he finds someone else again. And boy is he fast."

”I know,” he sighs. The Coke in his cup is already flat and watered down from the heat, but he still leans over to take a few sad gulps.

"What are you so afraid of anyway?"

”Everything,” Jooheon responds almost immediately. “Literally everything.”

Kihyun snorts. “You should at least try with him before getting all upset thinking there’s no chance.”

”I’m not thinking; I’m knowing. Minhyuk doesn’t even like me.”

Kihyun just shrugs as if this logic isn't entirely distorted. Which it is. Completely. "You don't know how he feels until you confess."

"I do know how he feels because I live with him," he argues. "And anyway, say―hypothetically―we do actually end up together. Things could turn out exactly how they do with every other boyfriend he's ever had, and then what am I supposed to do? Our friendship is ruined, and on top of that we're living in the same apartment. I end up homeless, friendless, and boyfriendless. That's a tragedy waiting to happen."

"You’re listening to yourself, right? You already sound like the biggest tragedy." Kihyun feeds Jooheon's pouting lips one of his pickles, and then nonchalantly takes another messy bite of his sandwich. "I just hate seeing you so sad over this. You don't have to believe me, but I think it could work out. Minhyuk would at least give you a chance."

"Sure he would," Jooheon sarcastically grumbles. “It makes perfect sense for him to take any interest in my burrito face after dating someone like Hyungwon.”

”Come on, you look nothing like a burrito, Jooheonie. Look in the mirror sometimes.“ Kihyun gives his hand a quick pat. “There’s no way you can’t see how much you look like a bread roll.”

Jooheon could throw something at him if he wanted to. He settles for a piercing glare that only has Kihyun falling on his side, barking out a high-pitched laugh. If Jooheon weren't so distracted he would tell Kihyun he rather look like a bread roll than have the height of a big toddler. It'd be an easy way to make him mad, but he also isn't in the mood to be slapped around in public.

”I love playing with you. You know that,” Kihyun smiles. He holds out his hand until Jooheon finally accepts it in a low-five that's nothing but emotionless and bitter. “Stop moping now, yeah? All this pouting is giving me indigestion. Forget Hyungwon. It was about time for us to do away with his annoying ass anyway."

"Annoying ass?" Jooheon snorts. "You're literally the one who told us to be friends with him, remember? Introduced us and everything."

Kihyun barely pays him a glance. "And what about it?"

It's an awful time―or perfect, maybe, depending on the way you look at it―for Jooheon to catch the tall frame of Hyungwon in the corner of his eye. He's off in the distance, a hand pocketed in the back of his dark jeans with the other holding his phone, and Jooheon has no idea why Hyungwon's eyes can't conveniently be glued to said phone when he coincidentally flicks his gaze over at him.

Of course there's no way to go unnoticed. His two friends―are they even friends with him anymore?―sitting at the same table they always share at the deli on campus.

It'd be best for Jooheon to tear his gaze away, snatch all his food up and dart off with Kihyun at his heels, but Jooheon is already looking at him and Hyungwon's already looking back like he's expecting something. Looking away would be too awkward. Too obvious. Too much of a settlement. Besides, Jooheon doesn't know if he really wants to "do away" with Hyungwon. He was fun to be around. If Minhyuk breaks up with him, do they all have to break up with him?

Jooheon isn't fast thinking, agile, quick on his feet ― none of that. His body only naturally does what it's used to doing. Arm raising involuntarily (and so, so stupidly) waving at Hyungwon. He isn't sure if it's a "hey, what's up?" wave or a "come over and join us" wave, but Hyungwon, unsurprisingly, comprehends it as anything but a "please leave us alone" wave.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kihyun whispers. The sternness of it is audible even from the lowness of his voice, daggers shooting over the table. There's no way he won't babble about this to Minhyuk later.

The smile on Jooheon's face is so tight and forced it hurts to even move his lips to whisper back to him, "I have no idea."

In his head, he can already hear Minhyuk and Kihyun over the phone now as Hyungwon reaches them in slow strides, the two of them glowering about how dumb Jooheon is. They do that a lot, as if Jooheon really has more dumb moments than Minhyuk does. It at least has to be a tie.

"Hey," Hyungwon greets.

No ― Jooheon has most definitely beat Minhyuk by one extra dumb moment.

The daggers in Kihyun's eyes instantly shift up in a piercing stare before he flickers his attention back to his sandwich, so nonchalantly taking a bite like it isn't as obvious Hyungwon is awkwardly hovering over them. It's so natural and cool, like something Kihyun actually spends his time in the mirror practicing, and that's simply what sets Jooheon and him apart. Kihyun is genuinely nice and easily shows amiability and respect ― until you give him a reason not to. Then, he can and will be as insolent as he can.

Jooheon is a bit too soft for that. It's easier to bluff and give a cold shoulder when he doesn't know someone, but giving a cold shoulder to Hyungwon just seems impossible. Even when he does want to be mean, it doesn't really come off in the way he wishes it would, and he knows he'll just end up stressing himself out in the end and looking like an idiot.

"Some people have quite the nerve," Kihyun casually scoffs then, looking at Jooheon of course, but his words are blatantly only for Hyungwon. "They hurt your best friend, and then walk up to you like everything's good. I don't know if some people are oblivious or just straight up stupid."

Jooheon silently picks at the fries on his plate.

A sigh pushes from Hyungwon's lips. He doesn't dare to sit with him. How smart of a decision that is. "It wasn't a bad break up, you know?"

Kihyun squints up at him. "Minhyuk would say different."

"He's not the only one who's hurt. We were together for a while. Longer than you thought we would be, at least," Hyungwon calmly argues. "I think it's a bit out of place anyway, to be in our business ―"

"I've been best friends with Minhyuk since middle school. You hurt my best friend; you bet your ass you hurt me." Kihyun shoots up from the table, messily folding the wrapper over his sandwich. "And by the way, you're absolutely pathetic. Do you feel good about yourself knowing you left Minhyuk sad and somewhere entirely unfamiliar to possibly get felt up by some creep or―I don't know―get alcohol poisoning? You have quite the nerve, really. How dare you even come over here trying to start a conversation."

Hyungwon tersely purses his lips, and Jooheon wishes he'll be thrown in the mix as the friend on the side to back him up silently and saunter off alongside him. But Kihyun just leaves Jooheon at the table to fend for himself, stalking off until he disappears. It's what Jooheon deserves anyway.

"Are you mad at me too?" Hyungwon quietly asks. He hesitantly takes Kihyun's spot across from him, slouching over the table before Jooheon has the chance to answer.

 _Damn it._ If only he had been petty enough to look away.

"I don't know," Jooheon murmurs, because Hyungwon already looks like a beaten pup and he considers that maybe he's right about Minhyuk not being the only one who's hurt. Maybe that doesn't make him as good of a friend as Minhyuk slurred to him about the night they broke up, but he can’t just ignore the fact that he cares about Hyungwon just as much. "I think I am a little mad, but I don't want to be mean to you. I wish things could have worked out between you and Minhyuk, or that you could've ended it better at least."

Hyungwon bites at his lips. "I thought I did."

"Minhyuk is sensitive. You have to let him down easy," he tells him. "You really hurt him, hyung. If it wasn't a bad break up, then why won't you even return his calls?"

"There's no point."

"Of course there’s a point. He likes you ―"

"I thought that too," Hyungwon interrupts. His voice is quiet, a hand absently coming to push at his overgrown hair. He's always doing that, and Jooheon has had quite a few dark thoughts about just cutting it off with the scissors Kihyun left at their house to cut meat. It's not fair Hyungwon can look so cool and hot doing something so simple and unintentional. If Jooheon tried growing his hair out he'd probably look like the guitarist of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem. "I thought he really liked me, but I gave it some thought and I don't know about that anymore. I realized it too late."

Jooheon always thought Hyungwon was pretty cool and pretty smart―or, at least, not _stupid_ ―but this has to be one of the dumbest things he's ever heard him say. He thinks of how wide Minhyuk's smile paints his face at even the mention of Hyungwon. How when his phone dinged and Minhyuk would scramble from anywhere he is, nearly breaking every bone in his elbow, to see if it's a message from him. "Minhyuk is crazy about you."

"It seems that way," he murmurs, stealing a fry from Jooheon's plate that only hangs from the side of his thick lips like a toothpick. "He doesn't wholeheartedly want me. I wanted him to meet my grandma and he gave me a really dumb excuse. I told him three days before we broke up I love him and he awkwardly laughed and stuffed my mouth with meat."

"What?"

"You didn't know?" Hyungwon pushes another hand at his hair. "I thought he would've told you about it."

"I guess Minhyuk mentioned something like it. I don't know."

He didn't. Ever. Nothing even a little close. Jooheon is supposed to be his best friend―his best roommate―and this is so far from all the stories and unnecessary explicit details Minhyuk has gushed over on their couch in the living room night after night. It feels almost as if everything has been a lie. But only almost. It's not like Minhyuk has actually lied to Jooheon, right?

"Well, whatever," Hyungwon sighs. "I knew Minhyuk was always going to be a bit ― I mean, I knew it would end. I guess we should stop being around each other too then, right?"

Jooheon shrugs, smiling up at him with a weak apology of some sorts, and even before Hyungwon can leave he’s already distracted. There’s no way Minhyuk could not have been head over heels for Hyungwon with the way he cried in his arms that night, drunken sobs and slurs of how everyone leaves him in the end.

Jooheon shakes the thought away, decides if Minhyuk never brought it up then it’s none of his business. But even as he tries thinking of the unfinished beat on his laptop, the thought still itches at him, like the six tiny legs of an insect crawling at his skin.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

It takes a few more days before the playlist of sad ballads stops filling the apartment and Minhyuk declares, with a bright smile, he's over Hyungwon.

They tap soda cans together in honor of it, throwing their heads back like it's a shot of liquor and giggling like little children. It's a moment worth celebration, Jooheon thinks. It's the longest Minhyuk has bothered mourning a relationship, and he kind of has every right to.

Jooheon could have been okay―or at least lived―with Hyungwon and Minhyuk being together forever as well as he had lived with it for almost two months, although he may or may not have cried into his pillow until there was a deep ache in his ribs the first time Minhyuk told him about their relationship. Hyungwon made Minhyuk happy and treated him well. That's about as much as you can wish for anyone to do for someone you care about. Jooheon cares about Minhyuk more than he'd like to admit.

"We should do something," Jooheon proposes with his half-empty can of Mountain Dew hitting the table. "My night class was canceled for the day. You up for something to eat?"

Excitement gleams in Minhyuk's eyes. The mention of food is always the quickest way to get Minhyuk’s attention. "On you?"

Jooheon only looks at him.

"How are you supposed to pamper me when you're always broke?" Minhyuk softly punches his fist into Jooheon's arm and leans back onto the counter, sipping Coke through a small straw. A smile suddenly quirks at his lips. "Movie night?"

Movie nights are always for Fridays. They both don't have work or classes on Friday, besides the awful class Jooheon got stuck with at eight AM that's usually done with before Minhyuk is even awake. So they sit around all day, talking about their week over snacks and take-out, binge-watching old films until one of them drifts to sleep.

But Jooheon supposes any day is a good day for a binge watch. They snatch up armfuls of snacks from the cabinets and huddle on the couch once the sun falls and a '90s Western film plays on the TV. Jooheon can't really pay attention, though. A smile paints Minhyuk's face so beautifully he can't help thinking how nice it is seeing his hyung cheerful again.

Happiness crinkles at his eyes in a way that's sincere, and he laughs loudly at even Jooheon's stupidest jokes, stuffing his face with popcorn overly-drizzled in caramel in a way that's probably a bit off-putting, but Jooheon has seen Minhyuk as unattractive as he can be from pretty much the first week that he met him. This is nothing. And he loves it.

"Maybe my problem is that I always go for a certain vibe," Minhyuk tells him as Jooheon searches for another movie to play. "Hyungwon was really sweet, but he's like everyone else I've dated. Quiet and mysterious. That's _so_ sexy, but it might be where I go wrong. Quiet men don't ever compliment me as much as I want them to. I need to be praised! 'Minhyukkie, you're the most beautiful specimen to grace this earth; Minhyukkie, thank you for giving me the chance to be in the presence of your beauty'―like that. Twenty-four seven!"

Jooheon pops a jelly candy in his mouth. "No wonder you send every guy running."

"Shut up," Minhyuk laughs with a lazy flick at Jooheon's nose, "these are basic needs."

"So, next time you're going with someone less quiet?"

"Yeah, maybe. It'd be a change to date someone less lowkey and really, really sweet. Like, telling me I'm a princess and everything." Minhyuk happily sighs at the thought, eyes fluttering closed. Jooheon wonders what sort of dream man he's creating in his mind. He knows no matter what he looks like, he doesn't look anything like him. "Sweet is nice, right? But I want him to still let me choke him."

_"Dude."_

"Give me a break, Honey. You're so innocent that it physically pains me." Minhyuk flings a potato chip at him and lets out a laugh when Jooheon fails to catch it in his mouth. "If you were getting boned at all, maybe you wouldn't be so hypersensitive."

"I'm not hypersensitive," Jooheon argues. "You're just weird."

"Oh, please! Do a two minute Internet search and you'll see people have other kinks that are actually weird. One time Hyungwon asked me to suck ―"

Jooheon claps two hands over his ears like a child, stubbornly shouting the lyrics of a song as loud as he can because he can still see Minhyuk's mouth moving animatedly to spill something Jooheon could live centuries without knowing.

Let alone the fact Jooheon likes him, he gets it ― they're close and seventy-five percent of Minhyuk's thinking process is something inappropriate. But Minhyuk has yet to figure out Jooheon really has no desire to hear about what he (or any other guy, for that matter) do with each other. He's already heard enough of it anyway.

Minhyuk is at least nice enough to follow the rules and not bring his boyfriends home (something they talked about pretty early in this roommate arrangement, seeing as Jooheon already had enough of being kicked out of his apartment for his ex-roommate's consistent one-night stands,) but whether or not no one comes home, it never matters. The things Jooheon hears through their thin walls are anything but safe for work. This extra information, Jooheon can easily live without.

"Anyway," Minhyuk says, kicking at Jooheon's leg so that it falls off the couch, "what's your type?"

"Someone who cares about music," Jooheon replies almost instantly. That's about as far as a 'type' goes for him. Music means so much Jooheon isn't really sure he can be attracted to someone who doesn't understand the same importance of it as he does. He pulls his leg back on the couch and adds, "but most importantly someone who'll peel a tangerine for me and get all the white stuff off it."

Minhyuk lets out a laugh. "Is that why things fell off with Changkyun?"

Jooheon shrugs. He almost forgets there was a month of actually being with someone. A time when there was something to distract him from Minhyuk's laugh and Minhyuk's smile and Minhyuk's soft hands, but it's what Jooheon feels bad about ― someone who really liked him and really cared about him in a way he hadn't felt in a while was only a distraction.

Changkyun has never given him a tangerine, but they fell off because summer ended and Changkyun went back to Gwangju and life went on. Their replies became shorter and shorter once the semester started. Jooheon started forgetting to get back to his calls and texts, along with some excuses why they couldn't visit each other, too obvious he wasn't ready to see him. Only a few weeks have passed since Changkyun finally gave up on him, but somehow it feels as if it's been forever.

He was sad about it for a few days, but―as you have to do with anything―he got over it. And he knows no matter how many times he tried to like Changkyun, he couldn't really like him. At least not in the way he wished he could. His head was always somewhere else. He always wanted to be kissing someone else.

"When are you going to start dating again?" Minhyuk asks.

Jooheon looks at him, nervously swiping his tongue over his lips. "What do you mean?"

"Basically you and Changkyun ended months ago," Minhyuk explains, and even though they've never really broke up with each other, it has more truth to it than not. "You haven't even tried going for someone else. It's like you're done with dating."

"I’m not," Jooheon interrupts a little too quickly. He coolly rests his back into the couch. "I don't know. I guess I'm just comfortable being by myself."

It's a lie Minhyuk easily sees through. He stares at him, eyes narrowed, another handful of caramel popcorn thrown back into his mouth. "Well, that obviously can't be it."

"I don't know. Sometimes finding someone who thinks you're attractive isn't easy."

"Why not?" He wraps an arm around him and squeezes Jooheon tightly in it. "You're the cutest boy I know! If only you just put yourself out there ―"

"Then I'll meet someone," Jooheon easily finishes for him. He tosses Minhyuk's arm off him. "I'm not _you,_ hyung."

"Okay," Minhyuk sings. "But I still think it'll be a good idea for you to get in a relationship. Or at least find yourself a boy toy. The other day, me and Kihyun were talking about how sad we are for you just sitting around and not doing anything."

"What? I do things!"

Minhyuk snorts. "Yeah, yourself."

"Just because I don't have sex every week doesn't mean I'm unhappy," Jooheon tries. He lifts his chin, offended. "And anyway, how do you know I haven't been sleeping with anyone?"

Minhyuk snorts again. "Because I would've known about it by now."

"You sound confident."

"Yeah, I'm pretty confident about common sense." Minhyuk flashes a cheeky smile at the snarl Jooheon gives him, quickly wrapping an arm around his shoulders and squeezing the younger boy tightly in his embrace. "My Jooheonie, you know I just like making fun of you. No hard feelings, right? I tease you because I like you."

Jooheon scowls into his chest. Maybe if he pretends to not like it, then maybe he'll actually end up hating the way Minhyuk feels so warm against him, smells so sweet and familiar. "I know."

"Don't feel bad about not being with anyone. Relationships are a trap," Minhyuk tells him like he's an elder who has lived so many lives, unraveled so many secrets of the way the world works. "You think you'll be happy, but you just end up miserable. Take it from your hyung; it's not worth it."

"But when you find another boyfriend, then you'll just tell me about how great it is to be in love," Jooheon reminds him.

"Well, maybe that's true," Minhyuk laughs. "But you should just stay single anyway. If you ever dated someone I'd probably bust their kneecaps."

Jooheon chuckles. "Why?"

"Because you're obviously  _my_  baby," Minhyuk says, which is blatantly just some basic knowledge he should already know. He caresses Jooheon's floofy fringe and smiles down at him like he really is a baby cradled in his arms.

It's what sucks about this, on top of the many other things. Jooheon is just a little baby to Minhyuk. Someone's mouth to wipe at the dinner table, someone to squish the cheeks of and coo at the way he scowls. Jooheon is so inexperienced and shy with relationships, and he knows no matter what Kihyun thinks, he will never mean more to Minhyuk than what he is now.

"You have to stay single because of that," Minhyuk continues teasing at the silence he's given. "You know you're my baby, right?"

"I know," Jooheon quickly replies.

As if he doesn't remind himself that every single day.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

The worst part is always having to swallow his feelings―ignoring the way his heart pathetically thuds in his chest at the slightest of looks, the slightest of touches, making dumb excuses for why he pushes away anyone who tries to show even a little interest to him―becomes tiring more than it does not.

Sometimes Jooheon just wants to tell Minhyuk. It itches at him to just get the words past his lips, to finally confess he's been swallowing down his feelings for a year and it kills him.

And, frankly, Kihyun is a little right about not knowing Minhyuk's feelings until he confesses his own. Jooheon has given it some thought, but he doesn't get his hopes up because he knows how things work. He knows very well how Minhyuk sees him and what Minhyuk likes, and he swears it doesn't pain him when Minhyuk hands him an ice bar on the way from class and tells him all about the new guy he's been talking to.

"You met him before. Some time last semester," Minhyuk tells him, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. The sleeve of a hoodie and a pair of jumbled earphones dangle from it. With how many times Minhyuk has gotten himself hooked onto door handles it would make sense to finally do something about it, but all it takes is one class for Minhyuk to inevitably mess it up again. "We worked on that project together, remember? The cute guy, I mean. His name is Hoseok."

Jooheon briefly remembers a smiley, heavily-built guy routinely stretched out on their couch on the weekends with a MacBook and clusters of paper over their carpeted floor. "The one who ate all our food?"

"That's him," Minhyuk grins. "He moved and I found out we now take the same bus home. We've started walking together after classes, sitting and talking ― stuff like that. Romantic, right?"

"Very couple-y," Jooheon offers instead, sliding the green wrapper off his bar.

"Exactly! We even share milk sometimes. I've always wanted to share a drink with someone I like," he happily exhales and digs around in a pouch of his backpack until he finds the strawberry ice-cream placed there. "The boy is the definition of fit too. You know I love a good butt."

"That you do," he nods.

"He's taking me to his favorite ramyun shop today. Bet you I'll get a load of it."

Jooheon flicks him a glance. "On the first date?"

"People don't care about having class these days, Honey," Minhyuk practically scoffs. A cheeky smile curls at his lips. "You would know about that if you found your own boy with a nice ass."

"I wish Kihyun hyung was here to hit you," Jooheon scowls into a small bite of creamy melon. 

Minhyuk only carelessly throws an arm around his shoulders and squeezes the shorter boy in tight. "Be nice to your hyung. I brought you an ice-cream because I was thinking about you and I knew you would want something sweet to hold you up until you come home."

"I appreciate it, okay?" It leaves his lips in feigned exasperation because that's the way Jooheon likes to play around with him, but it does genuinely fill him with happiness at being remembered. Even if it's something small and his backpack is already filled with more snacks than books to hold him up until tonight.

It's his own fault for waiting until the day before a test to study, but it's already his third year of college so his failure has been accepted for a while now. He learned pretty well into his first semester of freshman year that if he chooses going out for drinks with his class over studying then he's going to spend the day before panicked and depressed. By second semester of freshman year he learned he won't feel panicked and depressed if he just reflects over his two options, predict what their outcomes will be, and then go out with his class anyway.

It's the opposite of what he tells his parents when they ask how school is going, but at least he bothered to find a late study group at the library tonight. That's something for him to tell his mom, at least. And if he fails, then, well, he's already accepted it.

"Anyway," Jooheon chimes, "you bet your Nintendo?"

"On what?" Minhyuk darts questioning eyes down at him, and then exhales a short laugh. "Ah, you mean the booty? I bet my Nintendo in its entirety."

Jooheon only nods. "Okay."

"Hoseok's kind of worth more than an Nintendo, though," Minhyuk tells him, fingers curling at the backpack strap over his shoulder.

"Then, let's throw in a large pizza and call it a bet."

"All right."

"Also, it's funny how you're still on my ass about not being with anyone when I'm clearly only single because you told me to be," Jooheon jokes.

"Oh, really?" Minhyuk raises his brows at him, grinning when Jooheon hums. "So, that's what it is?"

"Yeah, that's what it is! You think there's no one sliding into my DMs?"

"Of course I don't," Minhyuk laughs. He plants a peck to Jooheon's cheek, so quick and meaningless, yet Jooheon swears it burns on his skin. "Thanks for only letting me slide into your DMs."

Jooheon frowns. "You didn't have to kiss me."

"I didn't." He teasingly smiles and tugs the hanging strap of his bag onto his shoulder, tapping his pink ice bar against Jooheon's. "I'll head back to our place now. Come home safely, okay? And anticipate all the texts I'm going to spam you with about my date tonight."

Jooheon nonchalantly shrugs. "Don't have to. I blocked your number."

"Well, unblock me then!" Minhyuk hugs him tightly, and then walks ahead, only stopping briefly to turn around with a nervous smile. "You think Hoseok's gonna kiss me?"

"Maybe."

He does.

The world works in a way that Jooheon sees it coming from 7-Eleven after his study group―his bags are only filled with chocolate and booze because he knows Minhyuk would want to chatter all about Hoseok and his date, and Jooheon is not going to listen to that sober―and his excitement to finally be able to come home and feel the comfort of his own cotton sheets is snatched right from him.

They're just two frames at first, but Jooheon still stumbles at the sight of it and knows to duck behind the wall leading to the next apartment floor when Minhyuk dips his head to lock lips with Hoseok. They're all giggly and anxious, and Minhyuk speaks in this hushed voice Jooheon has heard too many times on phone conversations at night. Husky and sweet, long fingers shyly brushing at overgrown bangs,―the ones that aren't slipped into the palm of Hoseok's hand, of course―this voice Minhyuk sometimes speaks to him with in daydreams, because that's the only way Jooheon will ever be able to receive it.

There's no point in torturing himself and watching the two of them easily soaking in every minute with each other in front of their door, chuckling about something Jooheon can't make the words of and stealing kisses from each other's lips, but Jooheon does it anyway. Squatted behind the side of the wall like some creep. Maybe if he watches long enough, burns the image of Minhyuk falling in love with someone else who isn't him in his retinas, he'll finally understand this crush is fucking stupid. Holding onto something that will never, ever happen is so fucking stupid.

Minhyuk smiles so bright after Hoseok when he leaves, biting at his lips until it breaks into a grin even if there’s only an elevator and an empty hallway to turn back to like he really expects him to still be there.

There seems to only be one person in the world from the way his eyes practically twinkle. Like he's already ready to hand over his heart again. Right into Hoseok's opened palms.

Must be nice.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Maybe it's for the best,"  Jooheon shrugs, shouldering his way through the throng of people tightly packed in the bus. 

Kihyun finds his way to him with a few murmurs of apology until he's reaching to grip the handle beside him. "And how could this possibly be for the best?"

"It saves me from getting my feelings hurt," Jooheon replies almost instantly, and it gives away how much thought he's put into it. There's a lot of time to think about why he missed his chance―a teeny, microscopic chance, but a chance nonetheless―and how maybe this could have happened for a reason; some hidden explanation behind why he's always left alone while Minhyuk's off doing whatever with his new boyfriend.

Jooheon is all about signs from the universe and fate. If Minhyuk is meant to love him then he will. And he doesn't. So, that's that. 

"This always happens," Kihyun tells him. "Minhyuk gets a boyfriend, you pine over him for days and beat yourself up about missing your shot, and then when they break up you do nothing. It's an endless cycle, Jooheon-ah."

It really is. This happens so many times Jooheon knows he should be immune to it. He thought he was. It got a little easier keeping his smile from wavering whenever Minhyuk reached over to intertwine his fingers with Hyungwon, tossing him fond looks that only they can understand, some smile at his lips that's only for him.

But seeing Minhyuk with Hoseok just makes him feel empty. Sometimes there's a lump in his throat whenever he sees them on campus, all touchy and flushed cheeks. He wonders what could've happened if he just listened to Kihyun and confessed.

Realistically, it would've done nothing besides ruin their friendship. Minhyuk only sees him as his best friend, his roommate, his baby ― but not everything has to happen realistically, right? Things could have at least been _a little_ different.

At least then there'd be a weight off his chest. At least then he would feel something besides a sunken heart when he's reminded how he'll never be loved by him in the way he wants.

But Jooheon can't hate Hoseok because he makes Minhyuk happy. And even if he hates how they're together there's nothing that brings a smile to his face as quickly as the sight of his best friend slipping through the door at a strange hour biting at his smile, shy from just the thought of all his mushy feelings. Hoseok's the reason Minhyuk hums love songs in the shower too early in the morning with a sweet potato baking in the oven because for some reason he's been inspired to start eating healthy for him; the reason Minhyuk stays up late on the phone with his laughter rattling against the wall that separates their room, so loud and shrill and genuinely happy it seems to brighten every corner of their apartment.

Hating someone who easily makes Minhyuk feel so loved and important feels wrong somehow. It's just unfair he can't do that himself.

Kihyun bumps his shoulder into him, a small gesture of what Jooheon supposes is sympathy. "No one else can break the cycle, you know."

Of course he knows that. Nothing will change if he continuously chooses not to do anything.

But when things stay the same then that's when things are predictable and  _safe._ When it comes to Jooheon's heart, he rather play it safe.

He doesn't expect Minhyuk home. These days Minhyuk is always with Hoseok, and Jooheon assumed from the emptiness of his message box Minhyuk would be off exploring the city with his boyfriend. Instead, he peeks his head through the door of Minhyuk's room to him curled up in a blanket on the floor, intently watching a soccer game in a sea of take-out containers.

"You're home," Minhyuk greets with a bright smile curling at his lips. Automatically, he pats the empty space beside him on the carpeted floor where Jooheon easily plops down. "You've eaten?"

Jooheon eyes the containers of Chinese food that's been emptied one by one, a pair of used chopsticks lazily tossed aside. "Not yet."

"You didn’t eat with Kyun?”

"We could've went out to eat if I didn't have to pay your half of our rent this month." Jooheon throws in a teasing smile to show how it doesn't really bother him as much as he likes to pretend it does, but Minhyuk still looks at him with a sheepish smile.

"I'm going to pay you back, okay?"

"Yeah, right," Jooheon laughs. "You're still in debt from that 250 thousand won you owe me from two months ago."

"I'll get it to you."

"Sure you will. Don't forget about my 15 thousand late fee, though."

"Late fee?" Minhyuk sputters through loud laughs. He playfully shoves a hand into Jooheon's shoulder. "What are you? The bank?"

"I might as well be! I should just be an ATM at this point."

"I'm going to pay you back," Minhyuk promises again. Jooheon only offers a doubtful hum in response, spreading his lips playfully at the way Minhyuk narrows his eyes at him.

“Anyway,” Jooheon murmurs as Minhyuk stands to his feet, throwing open the door of his closet, “aren’t you usually with Hoseok by this time?”

“He’s been at a work conference all day,” he sighs. “He said he’ll text me when he has time, but I guess he’s been too busy.”

“Oh. Well, that sucks.”

“Doesn’t it?” Minhyuk pulls off his tee shirt in one quick tug that he carelessly chucks onto the floor. “Maybe I’m crazy for missing him, but I just kinda got used to him being around all the time. I don’t know. Separation can be good, though. Right?”

Jooheon hums. His eyes wander on their own, following the deep line of Minhyuk’s back until it disappears into the waistband of his jeans.

 _Stop it,_  Jooheon hisses at himself, like it's a different voice scolding him in his head. Probably the angel on his shoulder. Smart angel. He awkwardly coughs into a fist and briskly looks away.

But it's too obvious to see how Minhyuk stands in the body mirror from the corner of his eye. He pulls a long sweater over his head and drops his jeans to the floor, lazily kicking them aside. So oblivious to how difficult it is for Jooheon to keep his gaze forward, or anywhere else, that is.

He pushes his palms into the thighs of his jeans and finds himself catching another glance of Minhyuk in the mirror where he pushes his hands in his hair. Jooheon quickly darts his eyes away when Minhyuk looks at his reflection, fingers fidgeting in his lap, lacing and unlacing as he takes his time scrutinizing the same room he’s sat in plenty of times.

It should be easier than this. The many times Minhyuk has walked through the apartment naked after a shower; the early mornings where he drags his bare feet into the kitchen in boxer briefs and lazily scratches at his belly, a stripe of soft peach peeking from underneath his shirt, Jooheon's breath shouldn't hitch at how Minhyuk's legs trail from his sweater, so long and thin and ―

There's a lamp in the corner. Nice. Jooheon stares at it, and then stares a little while longer because he can't steal another glance of Minhyuk. He just  _can't._

But he stares anyway. Right into Minhyuk’s eyes.

Jooheon feels his heart drop. His pulse thumps wildly in seemingly every inch of his body, palms digging into his jeans. Maybe if he pretends that didn't just happen, then maybe it would have not happened. Maybe he just imagined it. Maybe Minhyuk hadn't even noticed ―

“Do you usually watch me undress?” Minhyuk asks. The corners of his lips tug up in the glass, smile playful and teasing.

"What?"

"You were watching me."

"Watching you?" Jooheon repeats. "No. I wasn't ― no."

"Oh, you weren't?" He cocks his head, and then turns around, amused. "So I just imagined you watching me?"

"Maybe you did."

And he tries to come off casual, giving a little shrug of nonchalance that only brings a soft chuckle from Minhyuk's lips as he plops down on the carpeted floor beside him.

"I'm not that crazy, Honey."

Jooheon looks at his hands, laced and squeezing. Squeezing until he can disappear. "I didn't say you were crazy. I just mean that maybe you thought ―"

He loses his words with Minhyuk's hand on his jaw, pulling his face to look at him, and honestly Jooheon could just melt into a puddle. Easily he could just spill into a form of nothingness dripping onto the carpeted floor with Minhyuk's lips so close to his, brown eyes boring so deeply.

Jooheon wonders if he looked long enough would he find any flaw.

“You probably can’t even look me in the eyes and say that you weren’t watching,” Minhyuk chuckles.

Jooheon could, but he isn’t a very good liar.

“You’re too cute, you know?” Minhyuk’s voice is low as he speaks, following Jooheon’s eyes with an amused smile tugging at his mouth. “Too innocent for your own good.”

“I’m not innocent,” Jooheon protests almost immediately.

Minhyuk’s smile springs into a loud laugh, and Jooheon knows he’s just picking fun at him. Minhyuk’s only teasing him like he always loves to, but Jooheon can’t keep himself from staring at his lips, watching the way they move as he speaks with each word so husky and slow that it ignites every nerve in his body.

“You’re so flustered,” Minhyuk points out. He pokes a finger in his cheek, right where he knows Jooheon’s dimple would be. “And you’re not innocent how?”

“Because,” Jooheon stupidly replies.

Minhyuk chuckles at the way he stutters, a brow lifting in anticipation. “Because…?”

“Because,” he says again, but his mind is too much of a jumbled mess, too incoherent and confused, too in love with the way Minhyuk blinks unevenly at him and he seems to shine even with this awful light that illuminates his room.

Minhyuk opens his mouth at the silence, probably with some smart-ass comment, some joke to jab at Jooheon about how innocent he is for the rest of the week, but he guesses he’ll never know. His own mouth is too quick for the words to ever be heard, and his lips find Minhyuk's so quickly, so abruptly, that a thought of hesitance can't even cross his mind.

Minhyuk shoves him away. His eyes stare at him in saucers, fingertips coming to brush his lips as if the feeling of Jooheon's mouth is stained there.

Regret hits him like a train. Jooheon hates himself. He does. There's so many damn feelings pent up inside of him, locked and pushed away for a year. It was only a matter of time before it spilled, and Jooheon's as afraid as he knew he would be.

Anxiety fills his throat, a suffocating lump that he struggles to swallow around.

"Hyung," Jooheon whispers, cheeks flushed to the tips of his burning ears, "I'm sorry ―"

Jooheon's nearly knocked over from the way Minhyuk slams into him, their mouths messily finding each other again, scrambled and unsure as they tangle together. It's the way Minhyuk wraps his arms around him so easily, pulling him in and his mouth so wet and needy, there's no room for Jooheon to really think, no room to process what’s happening.

His hands do what they want, trailing over Minhyuk's back, fisting his sweater in the palms of his hands when Minhyuk's tongue is wrapped around him and Jooheon can taste the strawberry flavor of his Chapstick.

There's so many places to feel. So much skin he wants underneath his fingertips, to touch, to make his. So many places he's thought of kissing in the depths of his daydreams, licking and sucking and biting. There's so much he wants to do with his hands, but they don't seem too quick enough. He feels over Minhyuk's back as much as he can, fingertips grazing his spine until the sweater is tugged from over his head and their lips are attached with Minhyuk's arms still caught in the sleeves.

It feels like something caught in a dream, something Jooheon made up in his mind when business at the record shop was too slow. It's far too surreal for reality. With Minhyuk's pretty torso bare for him to touch and his tongue in his mouth, legs straddling Jooheon's hips with some warm pressure that would feel so heavenly to melt in, there’s no way any of this could be real.

His mouth is a wet heat over his jawline, trailing down to his neck with just the right roughness with each kiss. It's like the night in Minhyuk's bedroom, except he's sober and so sure of every little touch, every little kiss, his nimble fingers slipping off Jooheon's belt so quickly there's no room for him to feel some wave of self-consciousness to cover himself.

Jooheon wants all their clothes off. Gone. Away. But he also wants Minhyuk sucking at his neck a little more, tongue swiping over his Adam's apple, teeth nipping at his collarbones. His body craves for it all, any way that he can have him. So impatient and desperate, bouncing all over his body like a ping pong ball.

And maybe in a dream there would be more order to this. The way his fingers fumble to get Minhyuk's sleeves yanked off his arms, their kisses so sloppy and rushed like teenagers hidden away behind a set of bleachers; so jumbled and disordered ― maybe actually nothing like a daydream. But that's what makes it Minhyuk. Or them. Something new, something different yet still a feeling of familiarity. Something he craved from the moment he ever laid eyes on him, heard his husky voice leave his lips for the first time and it tugged at his heart. Maybe even tugged at his dick.

"Tell me what you want," Minhyuk breathes, hands swallowed in Jooheon’s shirt, and there’s a moment his world seems to pause, a moment he’s hit with how real this is. A sense of _oh God, my best friend’s boner is really there against my thigh; fucking hell, my best friend is really touching me._ I’m _really touching_ him _._

Jooheon knows what he wants. It could leave his lips on impulse, but he's too embarrassed to say it.

It's easier for his fingers to curl at the band of Minhyuk's briefs, tugging them down until his waist is bare and Minhyuk briskly obliges with his boxers tossed off to the side.

He throws away Jooheon's shirt almost instantly, and it's a little too easy how Jooheon just falls back and lets Minhyuk take control. His hand strokes at his chest, trailing down to feel the hard muscle of his belly as he mouths at his tan skin, greedy and quick, biting at his neck a bit more wildly than Jooheon is used to. He swallows down a moan, and he can't help thinking of what it’d feel like with Minhyuk's deft tongue lapping at his dick, hot mouth wrapping around him, his head pushing at his throat.

"Tell me what you want," Minhyuk says again. He's so close to him, breath fanning his face, and it's so real but somehow still feels like just another wet dream. He pecks a wet kiss to the corner of Jooheon's mouth. "Hm?"

Jooheon bets Minhyuk would down him in a second, if he asked. But he's too shy. His mind is a mess anyway, any form of words would only leave his lips in incoherence. Some tight squeak that would probably catch in his mouth.

Minhyuk's hand comes to his neck, barely a pressure there when his long fingers slowly find their way around it. Jooheon watches his eyes because he has a feeling Minhyuk would like that, and it's there in his head how bad of an idea all this is. Loud and knowing, thumping like a pulse when there's a light squeeze at his throat, just enough for Jooheon's mouth to fall open with a quiet gasp.

"What do you want?"  Minhyuk asks. His voice is barely a whisper, holding more pressure at his throat with their lips grazing. His hand is so large and forceful at his neck it nearly drives him insane, fingers gripping tighter and tighter, a burn growing in his lungs, expanding over his chest, begging for air.

"Holy fuck," Jooheon chokes out when Minhyuk releases him. He kisses in the crook of his neck, open-mouthed and hungry as Jooheon catches his breath.

"Thought it was weird," Minhyuk teases.

Jooheon blushes. God, it's still weird. But he couldn't fucking careless. He wants Minhyuk's hand back around his throat again, squeezing and squeezing until he's gasping for air. "I want you," he whispers.

"How?" Minhyuk prompts. A smug smile quirks at his lips. "You have to tell me how you want me."

"You know," Jooheon whines. His fingers find their way around Minhyuk's thick shaft, cheeks pink like the head of his dick already slick in his palm. " _Hyung._  Want you, hyung.”

It’s enough for him to flip Jooheon onto his belly. His hip bones feel awkward dug into the floor, but it’s easy to forget about when his boxers are yanked from his legs, rough hands gripping his ass, tightly squeezing him in large palms and spreading his cheeks.

“Wait, don't move." Minhyuk tells him.

Jooheon has to catch the pathetic whine in his throat when Minhyuk jumps to feet and disappears in the washroom, and he's sure his words aren't literal, but it sounds so much like an order he doesn't move an inch, only presses his face on the carpeted floor along with his fingertips. The texture is a little itchy, but he's entirely still until Minhyuk returns over him again. He grinds his ass up lazily in anticipation, a bit of a hushed whimper from his mouth when he hears the pop of a bottle.

"You put your lube all the way in the washroom?"

Minhyuk only gives him a small chuckle. His hands push his thick thighs apart until Jooheon's leg is pushed up for him to grab a handful of asscheek in his palm. "Should I put it on our living room coffee table?"

"It'd be the least of the weirdest things you've done.”

"It would make more sense in the kitchen then," Minhyuk jokes. "You know, I'll just throw it in the cupboard with all our spices. More convenient, right?"

Jooheon loses his reply in the way Minhyuk's finger slides inside of him. The gel cool and slick as he works his way in slow, careful until he's knuckle-deep. It takes a lot not to rock into it.

Jooheon's always slow and gentle when it's just him and his fingers curled into his bed at night, but he easily falls in how different it is with someone else, his best friend ― fucking  _Minhyuk_. How fitting it is when he pushes his knuckle back in a bit too quick, stretching him as impatient as the twitch in Jooheon's dick is, fingers quick and curling in his hole in a way Jooheon knows he'll exhale the most sinful moan if he doesn't bite down at his lips.

"Do you think you could come like this? Just from my fingers?" Minhyuk asks when he's three fingers in and Jooheon has to force his hips to stay still from rocking up into him, pleading. 

"I could," Jooheon admits. No doubt about that. His breath's already a little ragged, eyes fluttering closed as Minhyuk fucks his fingers into him rougher, quicker. "But no. I - I want you."

"Yeah?" The smile is so obvious in his voice. Jooheon knows Minhyuk drinks this up like morning coffee. He feels so embarrassed feeding his overbearing self-confidence, but he'd utter it again if he has to. Set aside his dignity and everything else. He barely pays it a thought. "So, that's what you want? You want me to fuck you?"

The blush is back at his cheeks, face warm and flushed, and  _no_ ― that's the only way he won't let Minhyuk get what he wants. It's too embarrassing to admit how his body’s on fire, dick a dripping mess on the carpet. How for fucks sake he just wants to be touched and fucked, and he wants it now.

 _“Hyung,”_ Jooheon whines, “you know what I want.”

“It wouldn’t kill you to say it,” Minhyuk eggs on, smiling. He chuckles at the silence he’s met with and settles with pulling away, the crinkling of plastic sparking his nerves from behind him. “I’m just teasing you. I only tease you because ―”

“Because you like me,” Jooheon finishes easily. His hands are desperate when they reach back to grip Minhyuk’s wrists, pulling him closer. “Fucking... don't make me wait, I'm ―"

A gasp finishes his words, teeth biting back at his lips when Minhyuk pushes himself in. He eases in slow with this hand curling at his shoulder, and Jooheon nearly loses his mind with the way he feels himself stretch around him.

It's been too long Jooheon wonders how he's went without it. There's only so much a hairbrush can do in a washroom with the shower running so no one can hear his obscenity of his groans. This ―  Minhyuk so thick inside of him, filling him inch by inch as his other hand eases Jooheon's leg up a little more for the right angle ― there's kind of nothing like it.

"You're good with this," Minhyuk says like he's surprised. 

"What," he utters, "you thought I wouldn't like it?"

"No," Minhyuk softly chuckles, and the way he drags back, slapping against Jooheon's ass again, it's too fucking good he has to choke back a cry. "You're amazing. You're so pretty like this, Honey."

Jooheon pathetically quivers. He wishes he could see him, wrap his legs around Minhyuk's waist as he fucks him into the floor. His fingers paw at the carpet, so desperate to have something to hold onto, nails digging as deep as they can with ragged breaths leaving his mouth.

Minhyuk thrusts into him like he wants him to break, and Jooheon is quick to muffle his moan again, hips jutting up to meet him halfway. 

"You don't have to be quiet," Minhyuk tells him. His hand is a quick squeeze at his shoulder before his fingers find their way on the back of his neck, grip firm and the right amount of forceful. "I want to hear you."

It's a bit humiliating. He's unfamiliar with rough hands and rough lips, yet there's something needy expanding inside of him, greedy and aching for Minhyuk to slam into him, hold him down with his face scraped against the carpeted floor.

He groans, and his cheeks instantly flush. It only has Minhyuk knocking into him a little harder, fingers tight on his neck, and Jooheon can't keep the moan from pushing past his lips.

He hates the sound of himself so helpless spread out underneath him, but there's something so fucking exhilarating just letting himself fall apart with only having the floor to touch as Minhyuk pounds inside of him, their skin already slapped together again before Jooheon even has the chance to catch his breath. It may even be a little fucking hot.

"Minhyuk," Jooheon chokes out, voice small, each of his breaths heavy and tight. He's been throbbing between his legs for quite some time now, so weak as he claws at the floor. "I'm close, Minhyukkie."

Minhyuk releases his neck. His lips are at his ear then and Jooheon feels his world spinning. Warm breath fanning over his skin, a hand slipping down his back and tightly gripping at his ass before it's stern at his hip. "I'll make you come, okay?”

"Please," he pathetically whines.

And what's most embarrassing is that even as he tries he can't seem to control himself. Jooheon cries out with each thrust of Minhyuk's hips, face buried in his arm even if it doesn't do much to quiet him. So breathless and messy, voice choked with each moan that falls from Minhyuk's lips so close and fucking  _torturous_  against his ear. 

 _"Hyung!"_  Jooheon yelps, hips bucking into the carpet with a burn on his skin, and it's the last thrust that has him a breathless mess on the floor.

It takes a few deep breaths and Minhyuk coming with a groan at his ear before they even bother looking at each other. The tension is already there, curling in, and Jooheon kind of wants to disappear into a tight ball so he doesn't have to deal with this.

But also, he kind of misses the weight on his back. He kind of wishes Minhyuk could pull him into his arms and they could fall from their high with their breaths mixed together and tiny kisses pressed to each other's mouth.

Except only boyfriends do that, and they're anything but boyfriends. And Minhyuk has a boyfriend. And Minhyuk just fucked him into his bedroom floor. But he has a  _boyfriend_.

Maybe if Jooheon doesn't utter a word, then he'll wake up in his own bed where he can just get up to toast a slice of bread and try not to make it too obvious how he avoids Minhyuk's eyes. Maybe if he squeezes his eyes shut like he's making a wish, he'll flutter them open to the morning and this will just be a dream.

There's a sudden vibrate from across the room that cuts right through the silence. Jooheon jumps, and Minhyuk wordlessly peels himself from the floor, a hand wiping at the shine on his forehead absently as he picks up his phone from the top of the drawer.

Jooheon doesn't need to notice the way his skin pales to know who it is.

"Hoseokie," Minhyuk sings. All the color floods back into his face, a smile licking over his lips so easily it's almost as if he isn't pulling off a condom while he speaks to him. "I missed you so much. But you didn't call, so you're probably too busy to think about me ― no, don't waste your time worrying. I guess I'll just be sad and lonely all the way over here."

There's a bad taste in Jooheon's mouth as Minhyuk disappears into the washroom, grinning with this cute and playful voice as if nothing happened. And honestly he isn't sure why his heart aches. It's not like he expected anything from this. He'd be an idiot to think Minhyuk would suddenly be weak at the knees for him just because of a fuck.

He sighs and sits up. His skin is sticky with sweat, a stripe of cum down his thigh that hadn't made it on the carpet. 

"You'll bring me back something nice and expensive, right?" Minhyuk asks from the other side of the washroom door. He pauses, and then exhales a soft laugh. "You're so bad! Don't bring me anything then!"

Jooheon throws his shirt over his head. His legs are still shaky, but he's able to awkwardly stand to his feet like a newborn deer and step into his boxers, finding Minhyuk's discarded sweater on the floor to carelessly wipe his thigh with.

"I already want to see you so badly," he whines on the phone. "Come home quickly, okay?" 

It isn't until Jooheon is in his own room with the door closed, pants crumbled in his hand, that he lets it dawn on him. Anxiety hits him like a gust of wind, his mind screaming at him over his stupidity, heart wild in his chest. Jooheon swallows around the lump in his throat and sinks to the floor because it's easier to take it all when he's not standing on quivering legs.

He's so pathetic.

Always so weak and thoughtless over his best friend. This is the stupidest thing he could've done to their friendship. To  _himself._ Yet he still finds himself thinking of how his hands felt on his skin, the groan against his ear, how, even if it was just for a fleeting moment, he'd felt so special.

And that's what really makes him feel pathetic.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Stop laughing at me! This is a serious situation, hyung!"

Jooheon pouts into a long sip of milk tea as Hyungwon doubles over in his chair, face tucked in his arm, all breathy laughs that sounds a lot like someone dying.

Not that Jooheon would do anything if he actually was. Not anymore, anyway.

"Are you finished?" Jooheon whines. Hyungwon is always like this ― laughing over weird things, and then never being able to stop. Jooheon impatiently tucks a hand under his chin, waiting for his friend to finally suck in a deep breath and settle with a fixed amused smile. "I was scared you'd hate me, but you're just over here laughing in my face."

"I'm laughing because you really think it makes sense to tell me you slept with my ex," Hyungwon explains. He chuckles into his palm, and Jooheon thinks he'll quickly go back to cracking up with his head on the table. “But saying that you 'accidentally' had sex with him is what made me lose it. Did you just happen to fall on his lap and he coincidentally had no pants on?”

“Coincidentally,” Jooheon replies. Hyungwon loses it again, laugh muffled in the palm of his hand. A couple shoots their table a discreet glance of concern.

“Jooheonie,” he stammers, “you really don’t know a thing about do’s and don’ts.”

“Well sorry I was absent the day my teacher went over not sleeping with my best friend in high school."

Hyungwon exhales another laugh, coughing into the sleeve of his jacket. “Who has a boyfriend,” he casually adds.

As if Jooheon actually needs a reminder. 

The tension that jars through his bones whenever Minhyuk is around is so thick, so palpable he could feel it just from hearing the front door unlock. It’s easier to avoid him whenever Minhyuk is always whipped away into the city with Hoseok, but the mornings of awkwardness are the worst.

They’re like two ships in the night. They slip past each other in the kitchen for the box of eggs in the refrigerator, and then quickly retreat into their rooms with a coffee cup and whatever was the quickest thing to grab tucked underneath their arms like they don’t know the other boy’s existence.

But he doesn’t want to pretend Minhyuk doesn’t exist. What happened ― they could wholesomely forget, push it away in the deepest corner of their mind and pretend it never happened.

(Even though a small part of Jooheon sort of doesn’t want to pretend it never happened. He bothers himself too many times with the thought of why Minhyuk kissed him back, thinking of how after their lips came together again there was such a lack of hesitance from both of them. As if it was something they’ve mutually wanted for a long time.)

(He thinks of Minhyuk’s mouth on his neck when he was drunk, mouth at his ear, how he could’ve had Minhyuk to himself right then if he wanted to. The possibility Minhyuk could have wanted him more than he let himself believe ―

But Jooheon knows better than to think that.)

Jooheon sighs, legs crossing. "I made a big mistake, hyung."

Hyungwon hums. There's only crushed ice left in his cup, but he still punches his straw around for a little droplet to sip.

"But you're really not mad at me?" Jooheon quietly asks. The thought has been twisting in his stomach from the moment he sat down at the uni café with him ― this fear of Hyungwon telling him off, or even worse, not bothering to say anything at all.

Obviously telling your best friend's ex how you slept with him is awkward, which it was, but Jooheon has no one else to talk to. Kihyun would flip his shit if he found out, and then flip his shit out on Minhyuk who would probably flip his shit on Jooheon for being stupid enough to say anything to Kihyun.

It's not like Minhyuk would be too happy about Jooheon telling his ex they slept together, but at least there's a less probable chance of this getting past to anyone else besides the three of them. Hyungwon isn't one to go around telling his friends' secrets, and besides that, the only person for him to tell is Kihyun who doesn't even want to hurt his head by looking at him. Jooheon isn't too worried about hearing their secret anywhere else.

"I'm not mad at you," Hyungwon swears. He sucks noisily at his straw and punches it around in the chinking ice again. "You were my friend before Minhyuk was my boyfriend, so you can talk to me about it. It's sort of awkward, but I think you know how that feels better than I do."

"Yeah," Jooheon sighs with a hand shyly pushing at his hair. There was no other way to explain his feelings without admitting how long he's been in love with Minhyuk.

And it's so weird thinking of it like that. Like love. But Jooheon is sure this feeling in his chest is what it is, right? Sure, he doesn't have any experience of it, but there's no other way he can really describe it. Infatuation? Crush? It seems too childish, something fleeting and cute. There's nothing cute about being crushed with the same heartbreak for almost two years.

"I'm sorry for sleeping with your man," Jooheon murmurs.

Hyungwon snorts. "You should be telling his new man that."

"I know, but," Jooheon pushes his lips into a thin line, carefully finding his words, "you said you loved him, so I'm sorry anyway."

"Okay," Hyungwon replies with no sense of solemnity. He smiles and sets his cup on the table. "Put it on a cake for me, and I'll forgive you."

At night, Jooheon's flailed over the bed with his laptop, stressing over his mixing assignment. Five hours into re-editing, and he's already tempted to just delete every single element and start all over again. Hands-on music production has always been his strength in school, but there's just something about tonight that no matter how many times he works on balancing the drums it just seems to sound like an uncoordinated shit with his beat.

He deletes the project, and then, with a deep breath, clicks the 'undo' button and easily goes back to fixing the interaction between the beat and drum kit. One of the things Jooheon hates about himself―or likes, he's not sure―he can't just give up once he's started something. It'd be so easy to just shut his laptop and fall asleep, but he loves music, and he so badly wants his mix to fucking work.

Jooheon lazily leans over to open his drawer of snacks, and then pauses, heart dropping in his chest when he notices the way his door creaks.

It opens slow with a shrill shriek, and then abruptly stops. Minhyuk's face appears from the crack.

He's squatted on the floor with his legs pulled to his chest, and if things weren't so awkward between them Jooheon would probably beat him over the head for scaring the shit out of him.

The door creaks open more until he's halfway in and leaning against the doorway, phone in hand. Jooheon's dings in the twisted sheet on his bed.

 

 **Minyeoku**  
_I_   _miss u :(_  
**[23:44]**

 

 **honeybun**  
_Me too :(_  
**[23:44]**

 **Minyeoku**  
_Be close to me again?_  
_Please?_  
**[23:44]**

 **honeybun**  
_You know you don't gotta ask_  
_Get in here perv_  
**[23:45]**

Minhyuk willingly obliges, scrambling on his bed and burying his face in Jooheon's neck like it belongs there. Their arms wrap around each other instantly; Jooheon hugging his torso and squeezing his warmth against his body, and it's so involuntary that the lack of Minhyuk he's had in the past few days washes over him in this clingy feeling that makes him never want to let his best friend go.

For a second he forgets why they even went without speaking to each other for four days. He forgets the uncooperative mixing assignment carelessly pushed aside somewhere on his bed, and Hoseok's existence is lost somewhere in his mind, totally absent and irrelevant.

It's just him and Minhyuk and his tight embrace that always makes Jooheon feel like he's encased in a safe cocoon, and he pulls him in a little tighter, fluttering his eyes closed and holding on for as long as he can.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Jooheon is always nervous to show his assignments to Minhyuk. He isn't even in the music department and doesn't really know the technicality of the way music works, but he shows every little music assignment he does to Minhyuk.

"I love it," Minhyuk says a little too loudly. He's cuddled in Jooheon's bed with his headphones clasped over his ears and already head bobbing to the beat Jooheon can only faintly hear with Minhyuk so close to him. He's grinning and doing some weird shimmy to show how much he's enjoying it. Jooheon can only laugh.

"You always love it,"  Jooheon tells him.

"What?"

"You always love it," Jooheon repeats when Minhyuk lifts one earpad.

"Because everything you make is always good," Minhyuk simply says.

A sheepish smile tugs at Jooheon's lips.

"Why won't you ever just tell me what's wrong with it?"

"What do you think is wrong with it?" Minhyuk asks him. It's supposed to sound serious, but he's still dancing like someone's drunk aunt.

"I think it's too unorganized. The instruments aren't flowing well with the beat so it's coming together like a mess."

"Disorganization doesn't have to be bad."

"We're talking about music."

"Music is a form of art, right?" Minhyuk tells him. The sample comes to an end. He pulls the headphones off until they're around his neck and tucks himself in Jooheon's side, arm snaking around his waist. "Art still looks meaningful disorganized and music can still sound good disorganized. Especially in hip-hop."

"Hip-hop still has to make sense, though."

"Things don't always have to make sense."

It's torturous with how close he is. He wants their mouths together again and Minhyuk's hands on him, Minhyuk's weight pressed on him.

But things are back to being okay and Jooheon can't handle having to ignore him again. He smooths a hand over Minhyuk's back, pauses it right where it's safe and challenges a smile, knowing he should forget about it. Knowing he _has to_ forget about it.

"Yeah, you're right."

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Forgetting about it isn't as easy as Jooheon wishes it was.

He still feels guilty (then maybe a little jealous) whenever he sees Hoseok at their door with his bright smile and kind eyes. He still has to remind himself Minhyuk isn't his and Minhyuk is Hoseok's, and sometimes kisses and fucks don't mean as much as he wishes they did.

But Jooheon is well with playing pretend. He's been pretty well with it for a year. These days he can smile and bow well whenever Hoseok is around, and he can pretend he doesn't hate seeing him. He can pretend he doesn't get off in the shower at the thought of Minhyuk's hand wrapped around his throat; he can pretend he doesn't stare at Minhyuk's lips for too long missing the way it felt to kiss him, wishing he could just take him by the face and press their lips together like it's nothing.

It's better this way, though. They don't have to ignore each other. Things don't have to be awkward. Minhyuk can curl against Jooheon on Fridays with a smile tugged on his face and a bowl of popcorn, leg propped up on Jooheon's thigh, and they don't have to think of over-crossing boundaries, worrying about being too close. Jooheon rather be close to Minhyuk and not have him in the way he wants than not have him at all. 

He tries to remind himself it's okay when he kisses Hoseok in front of the apartment, whenever Minhyuk is speaking in that cute voice that probably sends a smile to Hoseok's face on the phone and Jooheon can hear all about how much he likes and misses him through the wall.

They're so fond of each other Jooheon sometimes wonders if his moment with Minhyuk was just a figment of his imagination. Surely Minhyuk couldn't have kissed him like that, touched him so hungrily and told him how pretty he was, when he loves someone else, right? Jooheon doesn't know. There's a lot of questions about Minhyuk ―about  _them_ ―he doesn't have the answers to.

But he knows he and Hoseok are the proper couple. He knows Hoseok knocks on their door all sweaty and smiley when it's too fucking bright in the mornings with Minhyuk's favorite Starbucks drink, and he knows there's no other reason why Minhyuk's armpits are now hairless and he starts adding protein snacks on the grocery list to slip into Hoseok's backpack.

It's simply going to be another few months of Minhyuk falling in love, which Jooheon supposes he's just going to have to cry about, and then suck up, move on. But he has a taste of Minhyuk now. He's been looked at like he was wanted and his body craves for something he can't even be given again―will never be given again―yet he oh, _so_ badly wants it, wants so badly to be tangled in him again.

Jooheon's parents always warned him in high school how one hit of nicotine can get him addicted. He thinks of Minhyuk's soft lips slipping over his with a slight sheen of strawberry Chapstick and he wishes it was him his parents scared him away from.

It's not fair he can't love Minhyuk, that someone else is giving all that love for him. And Jooheon doesn't care how good of a guy Hoseok is. He could knock on their door after a morning run with a hundred Starbucks orders, but if it made Minhyuk happy then Jooheon could easily saunter behind with one hundred and one.

He can't help thinking of it when he unlocks the door to their apartment after classes and pauses in the doorway, hesitantly toeing off his shoes, at the shout from Minhyuk's room.

Boyfriends, hook-ups, significant others, etc. aren't allowed in their apartment, which is one of the few rules he and Minhyuk came up with when he put his name on the lease. 

Of course the rule was made before Minhyuk found out how inactive Jooheon's intimacy life is, but that's besides the point. The rule is very important for Jooheon. He sees enough of Minhyuk being kissy and touchy with guys; he'd rather come home and be enveloped in a safe haven where Minhyuk can only be touchy with him.

But the door flies open from Hoseok practically barging through it and Minhyuk storming after him with two arms crossed over his chest, and Jooheon has a feeling he doesn't need to worry about anyone being touchy in their apartment.

"You're really walking out on me? Over _this?_ " Minhyuk yells after him. He grips Hoseok by the bicep, but he just easily slips out of it. "Are you serious right now? You don't even have a reason to be upset."

Hoseok pauses instantly. The tips of his ears are flushed an angry red from below the baseball cap pushing back his hair. "You just think it's all good texting other guys when I'm right beside you? Do you even have any idea how that makes me feel?"

Minhyuk scoffs. "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to have friends. It wasn't like I was sending out my goddamn nudes.”

"Why the hell do you have nudes?"

"That's not the point!" Minhyuk exhales an exasperated sigh. "If you would just stop for a second and calm down you'd realize how ridiculous this is!"

"What's ridiculous is how many times your phone dings while I'm trying to show you a three-minute video," Hoseok shoots back. He stomps into his shoes, jerking away from Minhyuk once again when he helplessly grabs him by the arm.

Minhyuk's arms are crossed at his chest again. "Look, I don't want to fight with you, but you're gonna have to accept you're not the only guy I'm going to speak to."

Hoseok only shoots him a terse glare.

"What do you want from me, huh? Do you own me? Should I call you 'Master Lee' now? You want me in handcuffs too? Should I get my collar and cage out the closet, master?"

The jerk Hoseok gives the doorknob has Jooheon fearing he'll rip the door right him his hinges. It thrusts open, hitting the door stopper on the wall, and he turns back to him one last time with furrowed brows, "You're so full of it."

"And you're so fucking insecure!" Minhyuk shouts behind him. His hands are tightened into fists as Hoseok darts down the hallway with fast and purposeful footsteps, but as soon as he slams the door closed he crumbles into a teary mess.

“Minhyuk-ah,” Jooheon frowns, an arm instinctively finding a way around his shoulder, “don’t cry. Come on, it’s okay.”

“We were fine seconds ago,” Minhyuk sniffs. His words are muffled in his hands, but Jooheon can easily make out each one through his ragged breaths and stammering. “Then suddenly everything wasn’t and he was so mad and he just went off on me."

“Couples fight all the time, you know that,” he tries, smoothing a hand over his arm as he leads him over to plop on the couch.

“But we were so happy."

“And then you guys will work this out and be happy again,” Jooheon promises him. He softly smiles as if that supports his statement and squeezes Minhyuk’s shoulder. “Don’t cry. You guys like each other, right? This will pass.”

Minhyuk exhales a shaky breath. A tear drips from his eyelashes when he looks over at him, frowning. “He was so mad, Jooheonie. Hoseok is never mad.”

“People get mad, hyung.”

“But not Hoseok,” Minhyuk says. He brushes away the tears from his eyes, sniffing. “I fuck everything up.”

Jooheon snakes another arm around him. "That's not true."

"All I do is run people away. Even Kihyun moved out of here because he got tired of me. He keeps telling me that's not why, but I'm not an idiot."

"Kihyun hyung is your best friend; he's supposed to get tired of you."

It gets a small laugh out of Minhyuk, and Jooheon doesn't have to force the smile that curls at his lips from the sound of it. "What's your excuse then?" 

"I'm too broke to move out," Jooheon replies without missing a beat. 

Minhyuk laughs and punches a soft fist into his chest. His arms wrap around Jooheon's neck, holding him tightly in his embrace. "I love you, Jooheon-ah."

"I love you too."

"Promise we're always gonna be roommates?”

"Not if you don't start paying all your rent." Minhyuk frowns and Jooheon nudges him playfully, a chuckle falling from his mouth. "Come on, you know I'll never leave you."

“I know,” Minhyuk beams. “We wouldn't know what to do without each other, right?”

It's too late when Jooheon notices how close their faces are. His breath slows, deepens pathetically, and when their eyes lock he swears he's paralyzed.

The smile on Minhyuk's face falters. Jooheon silently follows his gaze, watching the way he fixes a stare on his lips. At least he thinks he is, but there's no reason Minhyuk should be staring at his lips. They got past whatever happened that night. Jooheon has forced himself to come to terms with it as well as he can, and he swears if he has to fall into the same spiral of so many damn feelings inside of him and nothing to do with it again it'll really be the end of him.

And he has a boyfriend.  _Boyfriend._ That's important, of course.

The little fact is what has his mind screaming at him to stop and fucking  _think_  when Minhyuk curls his fingers at the nape of his neck and nudges forward like he's hesitant with it. And jokes on the voice in his head because every millisecond Jooheon  _is_  thinking. He watches Minhyuk's pretty mouth, the way his tongue peeks out to swipe over it nervously, the way they part looking so pink and  _so_  soft, and he thinks how much he wants to kiss him, how he couldn't careless about Minhyuk's boyfriend, or anything else that isn't Minhyuk and Minhyuk's lips and Minhyuk's hand on his neck.

But it's hard to think when their lips come together. Jooheon doesn't need to think, though. Everything is so natural with him, as if he's done this a million times. As if he's kissed him on this couch over and over again with his hand gripping Minhyuk's thigh and their lips moving together gently, easily finding each other's rhythm.

It ends with their clothes slipping off because that's the only way it can end. Jooheon doesn't let himself think then either, only sinks in the way Minhyuk's mouth sucks at his skin and his fingertips run over his body, and if Jooheon was actually stupid enough he'd think he was all Minhyuk ever wanted.

If he was stupid enough he would think this meant anything at all. He would think there'd be something actually left for him once this is over, that he won't have to go back to being the best friend on the side, the best friend who longs and waits and  _hurts_. He would think there'd be any other way besides this he can have him.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Hoseok returns once night falls and Minhyuk briskly shuts them in his room as if Jooheon can't hear every word just with his ear pressed to the wall.

First, their voices are hushed, but Jooheon knows an apology just from the rhythm of it. He hears all about how sorry Hoseok is, how he likes him so much and doesn't want this to become between them.

"I was being a jerk," Hoseok continues, like Jooheon knew he would. It's a script written by almost every boyfriend Minhyuk has ever had, except there's a sincerity in his voice that leaves Jooheon feeling a little numb. "I didn't mean to make you feel like property, MinMin. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Minhyuk forgives him easily. It takes no effort to hear the smile in his voice, so full and luminous. "I know you don't think I'm property; I should've tried to understand your feelings more. I was just mad that you were mad ―"

"No, don't apologize. It's not fair for me to get angry with you over how jealous I get. That's my own problem."

"But we can work it out together. If I was dating me, I'd be scared to lose me too."

A soft laughter thumps on the other side of their wall.

"You're awful," Hoseok chuckles.

"But you like me."

"Maybe. And maybe I'm really glad that I met you."

"And maybe you won't ever have to worry about losing me."

Jooheon slips under the covers of his bed, and it must be hours he tries to block out their laughter, their words of fondness and affection and everything else Jooheon doesn't want to hear.

The night is spent with a blank stare fixed at the ceiling and swirling thoughts that only hurt his head, like Minhyuk never touched him. Like he never looked into his eyes with soft lips and a soft voice. Like he never made him feel special.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Minhyuk slips into his bed in the middle of some night he spends too many hours in the city with Hoseok, cuddles into his body with his long limbs and warm body, this scent on his shirt that smells like the strong cologne Hoseok leaves lingering on their couch when he's around for too many hours. But Jooheon still lets Minhyuk kiss his bare shoulders.

His lips are so soft on his skin, arms wrapped around his waist until he's rough with it again and Jooheon moans softly because he knows how the sound of him drives Minhyuk crazy.

"Were you waiting for me to come back?" Minhyuk asks, kissing his mouth.

Jooheon exhales, thinks of the heavy weight squeezing at his chest as he sat in his bed awake because he didn't want to fall asleep without knowing Minhyuk was on the other side of the room falling asleep with him.

Minhyuk doesn't give him a lot of time to reply. Another hard, impatient kiss at his lips, and then his hands are undoing the drawstrings of his sweatpants, fingers pushed past the waistband of his boxers.

"Wait," Jooheon breathes with a quick grip at his wrist, "I'm not completely hard yet."

"You think that's a problem?" Minhyuk chuckles. His eyes bore into him, glossy with lust, a ghost of a smile quirking at his lips, and it would be so easy to lean in and kiss that smile. But that's how they're different. Because it isn't easy. This isn't easy, yet Minhyuk smiles at him so nonchalantly like there's nothing easier than his hands tugging down his pants. "I didn't keep you waiting long, did I?"

"Well, I am kinda soft."

Minhyuk chokes out a laugh. Jooheon smiles, somehow pushing away his nerves long enough to kiss his throat when Minhyuk's head falls back.

"You're so cute, Jooheonie."

"Not sexy?"

"Hm," Minhyuk hums thoughtfully. He steals another kiss from his lips, wrapping his fingers around his length. "I don't know about sexy. You're just so cute. So innocent."

"I'm not innocent," Jooheon argues.

"You're still on about that?" He's so close their noses could brush, gaze hard and stern even with the playful smile that curls at his lips. "Fine, I'll propose something then."

"Go on."

"Make a wish, and then I'll grant it," Minhyuk tells him almost instantly, "but if you can't work for it, then I get to grant my own wish."

Jooheon watches his eyes, and if he wasn't entirely hard before then there's no way he isn't now. "And how do I work for it?"

"Depends on what you want," he challenges. His hand is soft and teasing as it trails up his skin, but his fingers come down again with a graze of his nails that goes right to Jooheon's dick. "But I can already see how badly you want me to turn you over and fuck you into this bed."

Jooheon blushes on instinct, which effortlessly sends a smug smile upturning the corners of Minhyuk's lips.

"Of course 'fuck' gets you shy."

"I'm not  _shy_ ," Jooheon bites back. "You're just tryna be an ass."

"What?" Minhyuk laughs with this tactic of being so clueless of everything, and Jooheon easily decides there's no way he's losing.

"I don't want you to turn me over," Jooheon nonchalantly tells him. He isn't really sure how to be sexy, but he feels pretty content with himself when he leans in a little closer, blinking up at Minhyuk with a fixed stare. "I want to look into your eyes when you push my legs back and ruin me."

"Oh?" he smiles.

"I'm not innocent, hyung-ah."

"Of course not." Minhyuk flicks a dubious glance over him, and then challenges him with a quick grin, hand coming up to grip forcefully at Jooheon's jaw. "How bad do you want me, Honey?"

"So bad."

"Yeah? You have to tell me then," Minhyuk says. "Beg for it."

"Oh, so that's it," Jooheon easily catches on. He narrows his eyes at him. "You just wanna feel all good about yourself having me go crazy over you."

Minhyuk exhales a short laugh. "I can always just grant my own wish."

"And what's your wish?"

At this, Minhyuk slips a hand over his ass as shameless as he always is, squeezing it hard, "I want to eat you out."

It's too easy to send a blush shooting to his cheeks, and Minhyuk laughs again, their foreheads knocking.

"You've never had a guy rim you before?"

_"No!"_

"Really?" Minhyuk's brows shoot up. "Not even with Changkyun?"

"No, Minhyuk! What the hell?"

"Oh, God, Jooheon," Minhyuk shakes his head, laughing loudly, "this is what happens when you like girls."

Minhyuk kisses the pout from his lips, and Jooheon easily falls into it, letting Minhyuk roll on top and straddle him into the bed.

"I guess I win."

"No you don't."

"Well, I'm waiting," Minhyuk tells him. "Beg for your wish, and then I'll grant it."

Jooheon pouts again. Of course Minhyuk has to be so difficult like how he is with almost everything.

He tries to find his words, but then the embarrassment hits him just from the thought. Jooheon quickly darts his eyes away, every bit of confidence in him suddenly gone.

"Things aren't looking good for you, Jooheon-ah," Minhyuk sings.

"Please," Jooheon murmurs, because he hates feeling like he's not going to win.

But it doesn't feel like much of a win when Minhyuk smirks, his fingers coming down to pin down his arms. "What was that?"

"You know what I said."

"Not when you're mumbling," Minhyuk laughs. He leans over him, hair hanging from his forehead. "Say it again. Louder."

Jooheon huffs, like he's a little child not getting his way. "Please."

"Please, what?"

"Please," Jooheon pauses, furrowing his brows, "sir?"

"No," Minhyuk snorts. "Tell me what you want again, Honey."

It's so Jooheon's life to be in love with the most insufferable person in the world. Minhyuk's fingers tighten around his wrists as he waits for him, and Jooheon's so surprised in the way it turns him on. He always hated the thought of someone being rough with him, but ever since Minhyuk touched him he wants it as hard as he can have it.

"Please," Jooheon says as confidently as he can. He looks into his eyes. "Please fuck me, hyung."

"You really want me to grant your wish, huh?"

"Yes. Please."

"Maybe I will," Minhyuk whispers against his lips. "Maybe I just might ruin your ass like you want. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Just do it," Jooheon pleads.

Minhyuk sits up, cupping his hands under Jooheon's knees and pushing them back. There's only an impatient pout of anticipation that paints Jooheon's face when his knees are pressed to his shoulders, eyes following him as he easily slides down between his legs where he's hard and flushed over his belly and spread open for him.

He feels a bit exposed, but he gets excited with it. Being able to see Minhyuk's eyes trailing over him, precome dripping down his happy trail, hole clenching in anticipation. Lazily, he strokes himself with a hand, smearing the beads of wetness over his length.

"You took a shower before you got in bed?" Minhyuk asks.

Jooheon nods, and Minhyuk drops to his knees, hands gripping at Jooheon's ass with his stern grip. It doesn't register in Jooheon's mind the way it probably should, not until he leans in and licks at his hole, tongue flattening, slow and teasing. Jooheon gasps.

"I thought I won," he chokes out.

"You did," Minhyuk laps at him again, smiling at the way Jooheon can't help the soft hum that escapes, "but I make the rules."

Easily, Jooheon lets him. It's slow at first, yet Jooheon is still all quick breaths and furrowed brows as Minhyuk's tongue flicks at him.

Jooheon rubs his balls, lightly massaging them in his hand as he watches Minhyuk push his face between his cheeks.

Somehow he's so pretty there. One side of his bangs is flopped over his head messily and Jooheon doesn't know how a strand of fucking hair could be so sexy, but Minhyuk is so sexy and he's so sexy with his tight grip on his legs, spreading him further until he's squeezing his thick thighs in his hand and sucking on his rim.

His hips shudder, wanting to push his ass into him, wanting more, but not really knowing what that  _more_  is.

Minhyuk's mouth is so wet he thinks he just might go crazy. A moan falls from his lips, shaky and weak, and Minhyuk teases the tip of his finger pushing into pink so he can lick his tongue inside him in the way that wakes all his nerves.

They dance all over him with Jooheon’s hand flying to Minhyuk's head to fist a handful of rose gold locks. Jooheon's not sure how he never contemplated to be eaten out before, and he feels so embarrassed again when another moan is able to slip, but frankly, he couldn't careless.

Not with the way Minhyuk's eyes flick up at him, half-lidded and glazed over, and Jooheon's so overwhelmed with the look in his eyes, with his tongue inside of him, so wet and confident, that his grip only tightens on his hair, tugging the strands until there's a light moan muffled between him.  

Minhyuk's mouth is a bit messy, saliva trickling from his mouth. It's only as fitting as it is a little hot, and it feels so obscene with his knees at his shoulders and Minhyuk lapping at him until he's dripping wet. Jooheon jerks at his dick, groaning. He feels so dirty. He thinks of how he looks, wondering if Minhyuk would call him innocent and cute again.

He fingers him quick, and just from that Jooheon feels loose and ready, but Minhyuk still fingers him with the lube he fishes from his drawer―("Is this a better location?" he teases, smiling)―the gel dripping from his fingers when he pushes it inside of him. And Jooheon is still an under-touched mess, wanting his wish to be granted, wanting Minhyuk's weight back on him again, his hands back at his legs spreading him open for him. 

"Wait," Jooheon breathes when Minhyuk struggles to rip open a condom, quickly deciding on ripping it open with his teeth instead, "no condom."

Minhyuk pauses. "No?"

Jooheon can feel all the heat in his cheeks. He feels so stupid, asking for something he shouldn't when he doesn't mean anything and  _this_  doesn't mean anything. Yet he wants to feel just how warm he really is, wants to have him spill in him.

He's dumb and foolish and dripping with gross feelings, but Minhyuk kisses him so deeply like every single one of his feelings are felt before he fucks him looking right into his eyes like he wants. 

Jooheon lets himself cry out with the headboard banging into the wall, and Minhyuk pounds into him with rough and quick hips, hand curling at Jooheon's throat, ruining him in the best way possible.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Can you  _please_ not harass me right now, Minhyuk?"

"But you have to hear me out!" Minhyuk argues. Desperately, he trails after Jooheon to the back of the music shop where the new stock of albums are still messily scattered across the floor. It's asking to be stepped on and taken out of Jooheon's paycheck any second, (which is a few thousand won he'd definitely punch Minhyuk in the arm for if he loses,) but Minhyuk and his loud mouth don’t seem as if they’ll tire any time soon. It's Jooheon's fault, really. He'd forgotten to lock the shop behind him when he strolled in with an armful of two boxes and Minhyuk came in, all smiles and eyes swimming of morning coffee.

"I need to stock this before my boss comes in," Jooheon tells him. It's a clear invitation to leave. Minhyuk only receives it with a careless wave of his hand.

"Then stock it! But tell me you're going out with us tonight."

"I already told you," Jooheon childishly whines, "I'm not in the mood for going out. We just finished finals like a day ago."

"And that's the perfect reason for throwing back shots!"

There's a point with that—and a notably good one—but Jooheon isn't up for it. He's not going out on a day he could be working on beats in the comfort of his bed to be a third-wheel to Minhyuk and Hoseok. Sure, Kihyun will be there, but Jooheon knows he'll ruin their fun being irritated and sad. Nobody wants that.

Besides, Jooheon already drank enough during the reading period to the point he's sure he needs new kidneys.

"If you want, I could make it a blind date," Minhyuk randomly offers. He leans an elbow against one of the shelves and smiles deviously with this unsettling look of pure mischief. "I could totally hook you up. What are you mostly interested in right now? Girls? Boys? I still have that guy's number from my physiology course."

Jooheon slowly blinks at him. "What? As soon as you started talking I zoned out."

"So, no to the blind date?"

"Minhyuk," Jooheon sighs, rolling his eyes, "I'm not going on a date with someone I don't even know."

"Then don't go on a date with someone you don't know and go on a date with me, Hoseok, and Kihyun instead, who you do know," Minhyuk says, like it's some genius idea he just suddenly happened to come up with. He runs to Jooheon, smiling widely, arms wrapping around his shoulders quickly with a kiss pecked to his cheek. "We're meeting at Kyun's at 6. See you then. Love you, bye!"

Stuttering, Jooheon helplessly watches Minhyuk dart through the rows of record albums and international CDS before he's out the door.

That's how Jooheon ends up in awkward situations usually. This one has him at a bowling alley pretending it isn’t awkward. 

He's barely uttered a word to Hoseok, besides the quick introduction Jooheon had to give him on another day Minhyuk broke the first apartment rule by bringing him over. It was all fake smiles, fake laughs, and displaced awkward bows, and Jooheon decided he never wanted to speak to him ever again.

It's not as awkward as it  _could_  be, at least. They split into two teams with Hoseok instantly claiming Minhyuk with two arms wrapped around him and a playful smile.

"I'm not that good," Hoseok admits as Jooheon scans the bowling balls, contemplating which one he's comfortable holding the weight of, "but we'll win because Minhyuk kicks ass."

"Might want to rethink that," Kihyun smiles smugly, saving Jooheon from trying to utter a reply. They already seem pretty familiar with each other ― he and Kihyun ― which annoys Jooheon for some reason. Silently, he finds his bowling ball and makes his way back to the alley they've already set up for their game time with nachos and drinks.

Jooheon doesn't know why they always order food when it never fails to end up with them nauseated by the next morning. It's just tradition at this point, even having to take trips to the pharmacy. 

"We always go for three games," Kihyun is explaining for Hoseok. "Whichever team comes up with the least wins has to grant a wish for the winners."

"Shots," Minhyuk corrects, coming up behind him. "This game's wish is shots."

"Does it have to be shots?" Hoseok asks.

 _Do you you have to be here?_  Jooheon asks in his head.

"If it's not shots then Kihyun would probably make us pay his college tuition or something," Minhyuk jokes.

Kihyun only shoots him a smile. "All I'm saying is that you better get your credit card ready."

" _You_  better get your credit card ready," Minhyuk shoots back. "Me and Hoseok are the ones getting drunk tonight."

"We'll see about that," Kihyun challenges. He looks back at Jooheon and grips him by the arm, dragging the younger boy on their side. 

"Don't forget we're bowling kings," Jooheon tells him.

Minhyuk smiles, brows lifting. "Says who?"

"Says our last three wins," Jooheon retorts.

Minhyuk playfully rolls his eyes. "You mean the three times you guys got lucky?"

"Keep talking, Min," Kihyun smiles. "We're going to get "lucky" tonight too."

"Not when me and Hoseok slaughter your asses," Minhyuk threatens. He hooks an arm through Hoseok's and takes him to their seats. "Come on, Hoseokie. They're all bark, no bite."

Hoseok only smiles as he and Minhyuk plop down. 

Minhyuk says it'll take some time before Hoseok is more talkative with them. Jooheon isn't too keen on the idea of getting close to his boyfriend, but Minhyuk has pretty much implied in this vague way Hoseok wants to be close to them and Kihyun and Minhyuk want Jooheon to at least reciprocate some amiability.

It's not something Jooheon can't do, at least. Amiability is up his alley. He's known for being friendly, and he knows there is no realistic reason for him to be an asshole to Hoseok, so in theory, he won't.

But, despite that, it's awkward.  _This_  is awkward.

Jooheon thinks of their bowling nights with Hyungwon, who sucked ass and always had to be put on someone's team through a quick round of rock, paper, scissors since no one ever wanted to claim him. They took every game a bit too seriously, but that's the way Jooheon and his friends do anything. It was fun then, and he liked being too competitive, jumping around loud and wild at every strike and sharing large drinks with his teammate, even if he was unlucky enough to end up with Hyungwon's flimsy wrist and awful aim.

It was before he and Minhyuk started dating, before things became a bit unfamiliar and different in away Jooheon didn't like and Kihyun and Jooheon were always left behind to hang out with each other.

They hadn't bothered going bowling since Hyungwon and Minhyuk’s break-up. It feels strange being at the same place again, _in_ the same place again. Except, there's some palpable tension that hangs in the air.

Jooheon wants to go home.

"At least try to look happy," Kihyun whispers when they're on the second game and Minhyuk rushes off to the bathroom after swallowing three bottles of Coke. Hoseok sits away from them, tying his shoe. Probably pretending.

"I do look happy," Jooheon argues. He's been trying his best with it. Smiling when he needs to, laughing whenever something is supposed to be funny, definitely not thinking of how pretty Minhyuk's smile is or how he wishes Minhyuk will crawl into his bed after tonight of pretending with a transparent look of want and those red boxer briefs he wears that hugs at his small butt.

"This is happy?" Kihyun teases. He pulls his face into a tight, exaggerated smile with every tooth in his mouth on display to mock him.

"I'm  _not_  smiling like that."

Kihyun chuckles. "Give the dude a break, won't you? Stop looking at him like you're a constipated serial killer."

"I could be a constipated serial killer," Jooheon murmurs.

"You could. Minhyuk has had a lot of boyfriends from meeting you until now. You'd really have something to work with for at least a month."

Jooheon nods. "It'd give me a pretty good documentary."

"He's annoying," Kihyun admits, voice quiet when Jooheon flicks a glance over to him still somehow tying his shoe, then quickly looks away when their eyes accidentally find each other, "but nice. And he really likes Minhyuk. You can't get mad at him for being with Minhyuk when you haven't even tried for his position."

"Okay." It's all Jooheon can think to say when he can't properly think of words, when all that's in his mind is how Minhyuk kisses him when no one can else see.

It's different, in a way Kihyun doesn't understand. He just doesn't know.

Minhyuk comes back from the washroom, carelessly mid-zip of his jeans. "I'm back. Ready to lose?"

So they play and Jooheon smiles again to not make things awkward. Back to the meaningless best friend. Back to pretending.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Kihyun and Jooheon win, of course, because there's no way they can't win, and after a trip through the arcade where Minhyuk gets a sea of tickets for Hoseok to choose a gigantic Jamaican banana to stuff into their taxi, they finally leave for the restaurant a few blocks down.

It's nothing fancy. They sit in the back where the lights are dimmed and the tables are square, and Jooheon's stuck ignoring this ache in his stomach that wants so badly to just be home where he can safely pine by himself and it won't rub off as strange.

"It's been such a long week," Kihyun sighs. He interlocks his fingers, cracking his knuckles with a deep groan and sigh like he's some old man after a long day. "With finals and everything, we deserve to get drunk."

"Let's drink until we pass out," Minhyuk proposes.

It'd do him some good passing out right now. Save him from looking at the couple all snuggled into each other with Hoseok's jumbo banana plushie plopped in a seat like an actual person, smiling brightly.

"Someone has to be sober," Kihyun reminds them. He skims his eyes between Hoseok and Minhyuk, then flicks his gaze to Jooheon who's silently scrolling through his phone, pretending to text. "Jooheon?"

"No," he whines. "I won too. That's not fair."

"I won't drink," Hoseok offers then. He shoots a smile to Jooheon like he's doing him some favor. "I cry when I'm drunk anyway."

Minhyuk bursts into a laugh. "Oh, Kyun does too."

"Shut your mouth," Kihyun warns. But it's true. Jooheon and Minhyuk have dragged a drunk and crying Kihyun back to his apartment quite a few times after getting together before winter break. At least it's easier getting someone who's a blubbery, intoxicated mess in the back of a taxi than someone like Minhyuk who refuses to stop jumping and dancing.

"Don't go too overboard on the drinks," Minhyuk warns when their barbecue order is brought to the table, a round of shot glasses and first set of bottles followed along. "Me and Hoseok aren't rich."

"Oh, we know," Kihyun laughs. They leave him to grilling the meat since he's good with it (and also refuses to eat anything Minhyuk tries to cook.) "Hasn't Jooheon been paying your half of the rent for like the past three months?"

Minhyuk fills Jooheon's glass, and then Kihyun's. "Maybe."

"I don't know how you deal with it," Kihyun murmurs, shaking his head.

"Me neither," Jooheon admits.

"There are a lot of stories about me living with Minhyuk," Kihyun continues with a small laugh, like Minhyuk isn't right across from him. "He has no idea how to adult. Minhyuk couldn't even mop the floor correctly, and he could eat two weeks worth of groceries in two days. One time he tried to wash the dishes and I came into the kitchen at ten PM to the whole entire kitchen devoured in soap suds. I almost burst through the door of his room and choked him right then and there."

Jooheon laughs. "One time he tried to mop the washroom floor and stepped in the bucket of water and spilled it all over the floor."

"Sounds like Minhyuk."

"He's not allowed to clean the washroom anymore," Jooheon tells him. "The last straw was when he cleaned the toilet bowl, and then used the same washcloth to clean the mirror."

Kihyun laughs in his palm. "Really?"

"Let's all talk bad about Minhyuk in front of his boyfriend!" Minhyuk sarcastically exclaims. He drops his bottle to the table and Jooheon fills it for him, laughing at the pout and furrowed brows he shoots at his best friends. "Can we drink and eat in silence?"

Kihyun only coughs out another laugh in his sleeve, and then obliges, watching over the sizzling meat quietly.

The silence only lasts for so long. Hoseok talks a little about himself, but then it's just more of Kihyun and Minhyuk bickering. Jooheon can't really imagine how they ever stood being roommates with each other.

Of course they're close and their bickering is only for fun, but Minhyuk and Kihyun are so different from each other. Kihyun has hit Jooheon for not setting a can of beer on a coaster, whereas the coffee table at his and Minhyuk's apartment and the kitchen island wears cup rings as a decoration by now. It gives their home personality.

Honestly, their apartment is an utter mess. But it'd be unfamiliar without all the mess there, all the space filled with something that totally doesn't need to be taking up any of it. He and Minhyuk work well together in that way. Their effective-less cleaning style, their laziness and carelessness. They can deal with having to step over things to make it across a floor, eating from the pot to keep from having to wash dishes.

Somewhere between their conversation Hoseok takes shots anyway since Minhyuk is pretty well with talking him into it and leads a proper toast to winter break. Minhyuk makes fun of getting him to say some embarrassing things while he's tipsy and gets a good laugh out of it.

Jooheon gets silenter and silenter, stuffing his mouth with barbecue, while their table gets louder and louder. Hoseok breaks out whatever silence he was in before and laughs a lot, really loudly and wide-mouthed, talks about how he's so in love, and Minhyuk just eats it all up with rosy cheeks ― either from the flattery or from the alcohol, it's unclear.

There has never seemed to be someone as much of a lightweight as Minhyuk, but Hoseok is pretty close to beating him.

After Hoseok shoots up from his chair and then nearly tumbles to the floor if it wasn’t from the table stopping him, they decide to call it a night. Jooheon is a bit impressed. And annoyed. Not even Kihyun is drunk enough to go into one of his incomprehensible, sobbing rants about how he hasn't called his mom in three weeks and how he can't believe he won't be able to graduate his fourth year.

They all stuff into a taxi. Kihyun is pressed against Jooheon with droopy eyes and a reddened face, his head on the window, and the car is practically silent when Hoseok suddenly turns to Jooheon with furrowed brows.

"You hate me," he accuses.

Jooheon blinks, and then examines the other two boys to see whether this is actually happening or if he’s just hallucinating. "What?"

"You hate me," he repeats. "You look at me like you want me to disappear."

"Hoseok," Minhyuk quickly interjects, "you're really drunk."

"You hate me," Hoseok repeats, suddenly angry. "I didn't steal Minhyuk from you. You think I don't know, but I do ―"

"What?" Jooheon says again, stupidly. He's like a deer in headlights, absently pouting, his eyes quickly darting from Minhyuk's stunned face to Hoseok's angry brows. 

"Hoseok," Minhyuk interrupts again, desperate.

"I'm not as clueless as you think. I know things," he tells him, and for a second with his hard stare and loud voice Jooheon forgets Hoseok isn't sober, but then his anger slowly crumbles into a frown, tiny hiccups leaving his lips, before tears are streaming down his face in thick streams.

Jooheon can only stare at him.

"What are you crying for, Hoseokie?" Minhyuk embraces Hoseok in an one-armed hug, squeezing a hand at his arm. "It's okay. Don't cry."

"I'm not stupid," Hoseok sniffs, voice wavering.

"Of course you're not," Minhyuk tells him. He pats his hair, unintentionally pushing it into a mess. "No one thinks you're stupid. You're just soju talking."

They fall into a long silence. Jooheon stares at his hands awkwardly interlaced in his lap. He squeezes harder to keep them from shaking.

"Damn," Kihyun mutters with his head resting on the window. 

They head home in a tense, awkward silence after dropping Kihyun off at his place. Minhyuk somehow manages to drag Hoseok's staggered steps and droopy eyes long enough to get him through the door of their apartment. Jooheon walks ahead of them a little too quickly, just wanting to be alone.

Hoseok stopped crying from somewhere in between the drive. He probably even forgot he was crying and why, along with all of the anger pent up inside of him when he jabbed a finger at Jooheon like he was accusing him of a crime.

Jooheon can't forget about it. Hoseok's slurred words are already an obsession in his head, repeating over and over again and quickening Jooheon's heartbeat in the same way it did in the taxi.

This became a fear of his from the second Minhyuk left him on the floor of his room to answer Hoseok's call ― Hoseok finding out about them (if Jooheon can really call it a  _'them'_ ) and Minhyuk falling into this terrible awkwardness with him like before. Because then they'd have to think of what they're doing. Because then they'd have to think of why they're even doing it.

And it's obvious that when it comes down to it, if Minhyuk was faced with having to make a choice, he would run to Hoseok and not him and Jooheon is too vulnerable to have solid proof that he’ll always be the second choice. That'd break his heart more than the many times Minhyuk has shattered it like glass, and he's just not ready.

Hoseok passes out on their couch in some awkward position that Minhyuk struggles pushing him out of so he doesn't look dead. But it just sends Hoseok falling until he's slumped over the arm of the chair. He still looks dead, or like he's one wrong turn away from breaking his neck, but Minhyuk has already given up. He throws a blanket over his body and plops down on beside him with Jooheon awkwardly watching from across the room like he's waiting for something.

"Do you think he knows?" Minhyuk asks, like he's speaking to the universe. His eyes are closed, voice low and tired. Tonight was supposed to be about getting drunk and having fun before they all part ways for winter break, yet they've sobered up too quickly and it just ended in something discomforting and tiring. "I think he knows."

Jooheon bites his lip. "How would he?"

"I don't know." Minhyuk sighs and sinks in the couch until it seems like he's going to slip onto the floor. "Thinking hurts my head right now. He seemed pretty mad, though."

"Yeah, he did.”

Minhyuk pauses, brows furrowed, another sigh escapes his lips. "I don't know."

"What happens if he does know?"

"I guess I have to figure that out. Eventually." He pulls himself onto the cushion again and turns to give Jooheon a small smile. "Let's not worry about it right now. Come over here."

Jooheon obliges too easily. He plops beside Minhyuk and lets himself be pulled into his arms, Minhyuk's chin slipping onto his shoulder, chest pressed on his back. 

"I love you, you know," Minhyuk tells him.

"No, you don't." 

And Jooheon guesses he must still be a little drunk. He's not supposed to say things like that, yet it seems easy to say here without being able to see him if he stares ahead, with only the feel of Minhyuk's chin on his shoulder, only the feel of his warmth on his back and the soft breaths from his nose.

"Of course I love you. I tell you all the time, don't I?"

"Words are just words," Jooheon murmurs.

Minhyuk pauses, and then his mouth slides onto the crook of his neck, opened and soft. It's not like how Jooheon is used to. He feels a bit light-headed from it, frozen as Minhyuk mouths at him with an unfamiliar assiduity.

"Hyung," Jooheon whispers, grabbing the hand at his zipper, "your boyfriend is right beside us."

"He's not going to wake up any time soon."

"But ―" They've fallen into this pattern too many times. Minhyuk knows his body by now, knows how to suck at his neck and slip his hand over Jooheon's thigh in a way that already has them spreading, letting Minhyuk pull him from his jeans and stroke him. 

"I love you," Minhyuk says. Right on his ear.

Jooheon only groans in response.

Minhyuk slicks his palm, and then their rhythm begins to make more sense. His lips become harsh again as he pumps Jooheon with his fist, pecking behind his ear, over the back of his neck, the line of his shoulder, and Jooheon is such a needy mess he doesn't even try to stop him again.

A little part of him thinks he deserves it. He deserves at least something from this night. And he even has it in him to look into Minhyuk's eyes when his hyung is on his knees for him and Jooheon fucks his throat, fingers curling in his hair, with Hoseok totally oblivious and barely even stirring beside them.

He doesn't matter. Jooheon has him now, and Hoseok doesn't. He thinks he at least deserves that too.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Jooheon knows Minhyuk doesn't love him.

Because he's not clueless. Because it's Hoseok who Minhyuk goes back to, and not him. Because it's always  _not him_  and it will always be  _Not Him_ and he hates it more than how much he hates being weak and pathetic.

Hyungwon tells him quite often how he feels sorry for whoever Minhyuk is dating as if the thought doesn't linger on Jooheon's mind more than he'd like it to.

Hoseok is rather oblivious. It might even be a little cute ― if Jooheon didn't hate him so much. He leans in their doorway day-after-day with his soft smile and affectionate eyes, and he and Minhyuk kiss like they've went days without seeing each other, like merely two months together can really have them falling in love.

And Jooheon knows he's a bad person because he doesn't feel  _that_  sorry for Hoseok.

He should be the one who's sensible with this. He should be the one puts his foot down and pushes Minhyuk away. And he wants to ― sort of. The feeling rushes over him more than enough. How they're making another mistake, how he shouldn't be doing this to himself, how he shouldn't be doing this to someone who he knows is a decent person.

But Minhyuk touches him and he falls into it like his fingers are dipped in magic, then it happens again and again and again. 

Jooheon always thought he was a good person. He's caring, he thought. He's loving, like how the grandmas at his church always said when he was a scrawny middle-schooler with his cheeks always pushed at his eyes from a bright smile.

But he may not be as sweet as they thought. Not when Minhyuk lands in his arms after another date, and he feels something like smugness when he attaches their lips. He brushes his fingers at Minhyuk's hair and tastes him like he's his, so foolishly complacent because Minhyuk is kissing  _him_  and he's not kissing Hoseok and Jooheon gets this terrible thought that his kisses are probably better than his and Minhyuk wants him more than he wants Hoseok. 

It's delusional, he knows. But the thought keeps Jooheon going when Minhyuk routinely runs off to Hoseok again like how he should, and all he has left to hold onto is the scent Minhyuk leaves on his sheets and the love bites hidden behind tee shirts.

"You don't think it's always been like this, do you?" Hyungwon asks, pushing a pair of black-framed glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Like, Minhyuk having a side piece?"

Jooheon glances up from his laptop with a frown. "Side piece? I'm  _not_  a side piece."

Hyungwon brings the sleeve of an oversized sweater to his mouth, and then coughs, silently flipping through the opened textbook on the table. So casual, as if Jooheon couldn't easily see the way his eyes squinted in the lenses of his glasses, amused.

"What?" Jooheon whines as quietly as he can from their seat in the library. "You think I'm a side piece?"

"He has a boyfriend," Hyungwon simply reminds him.

Jooheon only replies with a terse purse of his red-bitten lips, eyes trailing back to skim the notes on his laptop.

He doesn't want this conversation. Not again, anyway. At this rate, he should have just told Kihyun, at least then it would've been more predictable to be scolded about his awful and insensitive thinking. Hyungwon is the last person he would have expected to actually scold him over this.

Jooheon gets it, though. He's making bad decisions. But he kind of just wants to be told this is normal ― his short-lived guilt, his misplaced longing and hopeless feelings for someone who doesn't want him. Though, mostly, he kind of just wants to be swaddled.

Kihyun is good with the swaddling, even if he pretends he doesn't like giving comfort to anyone. He gives good hugs and caresses Jooheon's hair with gentle fingers as if he's a loving mother. He's always been a good shoulder to cry on ever since Jooheon had a meltdown over a mash-up he needed for class only three weeks into knowing him.

Kihyun and Minhyuk cheered on him while he sniffed and hiccuped through tears and powered through it, and even after Minhyuk fell asleep on the floor Kihyun fought against his heavy eyelids so he can bring Jooheon mugs of hot tea and lots of back rubs whenever he sulked and declared he'll just take a failing grade.

It sucks having to sacrifice receiving good affection to keep this from spiraling out of control any more than it has. What a waste.

At least Hyungwon is long and his sweaters are always a good warmth against his cheek when he hugs Jooheon, and Jooheon absolutely loves any way he can be babied.

And Hyungwon  _does_  tell him it's okay. He pats Jooheon's head like he's a puppy and he tells him to go a little easier on himself. Reflect more. Take things slowly.

He even stays on the phone, listening with a respectful silence whenever Jooheon withers in his pit of despair and babbles about how helpless he is, how he doesn't know why he still loves Minhyuk when Minhyuk will never love him back and he's going to die alone and unwanted.

"I still think you should talk to him," Hyungwon tells him, voice quiet. 

Jooheon scowls at the thought. "It'd just be awkward then."

"More awkward than it is now?"

"It's not awkward, though," Jooheon says. He closes his laptop, cupping a hand under his chin. "It's not awkward because we don't talk about it. It's like our thing and it works."

"But you're sad."

Jooheon avoids his eyes. He  _is_  sad, but the euphoria of Minhyuk's rough hands and wet mouth makes up for it. At least he thinks so.

He's just not stupid. He's not going to fix something that isn't broken. He doesn't want to ask Minhyuk if the way he kisses him means anything when he  _knows_  it doesn't. He doesn't want to embarrass himself. He doesn't want his heart to break.

"If I ruin things, then what?" Jooheon whispers. "Then I'm alone again. Then I have nothing, and that's not fair."

Hyungwon contemplates this. He shakes his hair from his eyes, pushing a hand through the long gray strands of his hair. "You know what I think Kihyun would tell you?"

"What?" he murmurs. "That life's unfair?"

"No ― well, maybe ― but," he pauses, "I think if you can only have Minhyuk like this, then you never had anything."

It hits him like a fist punched in the gut, and Jooheon curses at himself when he feels tears stinging at his eyes. He darts his gaze away, pushing two hands at his face so his palms can block the lights from seeping behind his eyelids and he can try to fucking  _think_.

"You're right," Jooheon utters, because there's no denying it. He wants to deny it. He wants to fall into Minhyuk without the thought consuming him, without knowing how much of a mess he's made.

But he can't pretend he doesn't know the mess they've made, and he can't pretend he doesn't know how much of a mess this will be.

("What's on your mind?" Minhyuk asks when they're tangled in his bedsheets and his hair is this beautiful tousle of rose gold over his head. 

Jooheon looks at him and his heart aches. It feels so weak in his chest, shattered into pieces, but he still manages a smile like he's practiced for so long. "Nothing," he lies.

Minhyuk nods, and then his tongue is so easily twisting in his mouth like that could mend every piece of him. Jooheon wishes it could.)

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Guess who I ran into today."

Jooheon glances up at Minhyuk from the kitchen, pouring a glass of water as his best friend approaches the other side of the sink separating Jooheon from their tiny living room.

Jooheon loves that it’s winter because he always finds Minhyuk so cute in long sleeves and sweatshirts, and he likes when Minhyuk leaves his bedroom with one of Jooheon's sweaters pulled over his head like today. His arms are so long that the sleeves aren't really that much of sweater paws as they are on Jooheon, but still, he looks so warm and floofy with his bangs flopped messily over his forehead from running his hand there too many times.

"Who'd you run into?" Jooheon asks.

"Hyungwon."

Jooheon stutters, and then quickly realizes that shouldn't make him stutter. He sets down the water pitcher. "Damn."

"Yeah." Minhyuk places his arms on the table, stares at him intently. That's how Jooheon knows it's much more than just him running into Hyungwon. Suddenly he feels nervous and nearly knocks over his full glass. "It's been a while since I've seen him. What about you?"

"Oh," Jooheon stammers. He sips at his water stupidly and sets it on the counter, nonchalantly shrugging. "I've seen him a bit. Like, around."

"Oh, cool." Minhyuk nods and smiles, and then Jooheon perfectly understands with how tightly the corners of his lips upturn he's mad. Pissed, even. At him. "You guys’ve done a lot of catching up just seeing each other around. You know what he told me?”

“What?”

“That I apparently didn't love him because of you.”

There's a thick silence as Jooheon tries to collect his words, tries to find a way this doesn't have to become an argument like how Minhyuk's fidgety fingers absently tapping on the countertop is probably itching for.

"Minhyuk ―"

"Why are you talking about us to him, Jooheon? He hurt me, and the two of you are just off having casual brunches like nothing happened?"

"He's my friend," Jooheon lamely sputters. 

"You're my best friend."

"But," Jooheon sighs, setting down his glass, "Hyungwon is there for me. He listens to me ―"

"And I don't?" 

Its nowhere near what Jooheon means, but he knows that's easily what it sounded like.

He shoots a helpless look over the counter. He's so exhausted already, and he hates Minhyuk looking at him with this wounded look, brows furrowed and the ghost of a pout at his lips. Jooheon hates when they argue ― the rare times when it's not just childish bickering over how much Minhyuk hogs the TV to play video games―and he feels weak and trapped and he just wants to be happy again, rest in Minhyuk's arms and get over it even if he's annoyed.

"You know that's not what I'm saying."

"Then what are you saying, Jooheon? I have no idea why you think it's appropriate to talk to someone who broke my heart about us, or why you can't just talk to me," Minhyuk says, voice too close to the verge of yelling. "You're supposed to be my best friend."

"I am your best friend," Jooheon argues. "You have a right to be mad, and I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I went behind your back, and I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with me being friends with him, but I'm not dumping him just because he dumped you."

Jooheon doesn't realize how awfully that leaves his lips until Minhyuk blinks at him like he's startled. He always absently pouts when he's surprised, eyes widening before there's a flicker of pain in them and he quickly backs away from the counter.

"Okay," Minhyuk concludes. His voice is so quiet that if Jooheon wasn't watching his lips he wouldn't have even known what he said.

"Minhyuk," Jooheon sighs.

He ignores him, rushing off down the hallway to his room. 

"Minhyuk," Jooheon calls again, pleading.

But he doesn't bother chasing after him, only stares blankly at the glass on the countertop until he hears the door slam and he's left alone.

By now he's used to it.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Minhyuk swiftly slips past Jooheon on the balcony as his roommate pulls their laundry from the clothesline and messily folds them into their clothes basket. It's supposed to be Minhyuk's day of laundry, but besides the single bowl he washed from the sink to eat Lucky Charms at three AM, he hasn't made any move on doing chores.

"Did you finally decide to help me do your chores?" Jooheon asks, squinting up at him from the sunlight.

Minhyuk glances at him squatted by the basket, and then glances at the clothesline, plucking off a tee shirt with some quote in Latin printed on the chest. "It looks like you're getting by on your own."

Jooheon sighs. "You're still mad?"

"It's only been a night," Minhyuk replies. He pulls down a pair of dark jeans and throws it over his arm. "Of course I'm still mad."

"I already said I'm sorry," Jooheon reminds him, desperately. He jumps onto his feet and blocks Minhyuk's entrance back into the apartment. "What else do I have to do for you to forgive me?"

"Stop hanging out with Hyungwon."

Jooheon purses his lips. "He's my friend, Minhyuk."

"Then I'll just be mad at you,” he decides. Minhyuk brushes past him, and this time Jooheon just lets him slide the door open and step into their living room.

"You're being childish," Jooheon says after him.

Minhyuk only slides the door shut.

They do a good job of ignoring each other—or, rather, Minhyuk does a good job looking through him as if he isn’t there—until he leaves for his child-development class and Jooheon is able to plop down on the couch to scroll through his class notes.

He’s too annoyed to focus. It’s not fair Minhyuk gets to he mad. He has a boyfriend, yet he still kisses Jooheon and fucks him like he doesn’t. Then he inevitably goes back to Hoseok because he's who he's with and he's who he likes, and Jooheon has to pretend it doesn't hurt when it does, and it's not fair. He wants to be mad too.

Jooheon’s phone dings by his head, waking him up from a random nap on the arm of the couch he hadn’t even been aware of. He yawns into his palm and squints at the notification on his lockscreen.

 

 **Minyeoku**  
_Don't be at home tonight_  
**[14:07]**

 **honeybun**  
_What? Why?_  
**[14:08]**

 

 **Minyeoku**  
_Hoseok’s coming over_  
**[14:11]**

 

 **honeybun**  
_Okay?_  
_So?_  
**[14:11]**

 

 **Minyeoku**  
_So he wants us to be alone_  
**[14:13]**

 

 **honeybun**  
_Request a study room at the library_  
**[14:13]**

**Minyeoku**  
_Ur so clueless Jooheon, we’re gonna have sex_  
_But I’ll keep that in mind for next time_  
**[14:13]**

 

 **honeybun**  
_Why are you having sex at our apartment??_  
_Where am I supposed to go?_  
**[14:14]**

 

 **Minyeoku**  
_idk_  
_Hyungwon’s?_  
**[14:17]**

Jooheon furrows his brows at the screen of his phone, and then snorts, unamused, when Minhyuk follows the text message with a smiling emoji. Like everything is fine and it definitely doesn't annoy Jooheon to be kicked out of his apartment for some fucking shag that could easily be taken somewhere else.

He has a paper due at midnight he was only given three days by his demonic professor to finish and he’s not rolling up from a friend’s couch to go to class with shitty work.

There’s a system to all-nighters and last minute assignments. Jooheon needs his special blanket and cartons of strawberry milk and the couch in the living room to curl up on to trudge through it.

And anyway, it's not really _that_ that irks him. It's how Minhyuk knows quite well how he despises being kicked out his apartment, _especially_ when it’s something stupid and insignificant like his roommate wanting the apartment empty so he can fuck someone, so careless about whether it’s convenient or not for anyone else.

He and Minhyuk talked about it more than once, from the interview where they met for the first time and Minhyuk asked him why he wants to move out of the apartment with his old roommate.

He perfectly recalls when Minhyuk placed the key in his palm with his luminous smile and promised he’d never treat him like that asshole of a roommate who only ever gave a shit about getting his dick wet. Except now he is, with his dumb smiling emoji.

And it's Friday.  _Friday._

Jooheon doesn't bother typing a reply.

"Don't stress over it too much. He's just being petty," Hyungwon tells him through the phone. His voice sounds sleepy like it usually does, words deep and drawn out. "You can just stay here, if you want. My roommate has two beds in his room after that other guy moved out, and he's off at his parents for the next week so it won't be awkward."

"That sounds perfect," Jooheon sighs. He rests his head on the coffee table, legs pulled to his chest, and he feels like a bad person because he gets why Minhyuk's mad and he feels sorry, but even if he feels sorry he still feels annoyed Minhyuk's mad at him.

"Should I tell his boyfriend?" Jooheon asks.

"Maybe," Hyungwon says after a few heartbeats of silence. "That'd surely make some good drama."

Jooheon isn't a fan of drama, and just like that he’s all out of energy. He fumes—well, sulks, since he’s not really good at being a stomping mess of rage—as he closes his laptop and slips out into the soft cool air of autumn, shrugging into the green bomber jacket hanging in the door closet. 

The 7-Eleven is just a few blocks from the complex. Jooheon supposes the only way to blow off steam is a slow walk and milk. He grabs a few cartons of strawberry and coffee milk, and then a bottle of juice and some cups of instant ramen before sulking back home with heavy footsteps.

The walk does blow off steam with a few gulps of his strawberry milk, but once he’s unlocked the door and plopped down at the couch again, his exasperation is dissolved into a stinging sadness.

He hauls his special blanket at the couch, notes on his laptop and the rough draft he only bothered mapping out two hours ago set up on the couch. His cartons are stacked up side by side like soldiers across the coffee table, a cup of steaming spicy ramen by his keyboard.

Two cups and three cartons in, and the doorknob twists, a familiar laugh ringing at the door.

The doorknob fumbles for a minute with hushed voices and giggles. Jooheon glues his eyes on his writing assignment like he doesn’t care, hand tucked under his chin, barely looking up when Minhyuk and Hoseok push through the door mid-laughs, mid-toeing out of their shoes until their eyes land on Jooheon.

”Oh,” Hoseok utters with his jacket already hanging from one of his shoulders. His cheeks redden. Beside him, Minhyuk has a frozen hand gripped at Hoseok’s bicep, frowning at the way Jooheon’s blank expression innocently glows from the screen of his laptop.

”Jooheon,” Minhyuk says impatiently. He glowers at him, stepping out of his shoes. “What are you still doing here?”

”Doing a paper,” Jooheon nonchalantly replies. He taps his pen against the notepad where the rough draft of his paper is scribbled on in messy cursive.

”You’re supposed to be gone,” Minhyuk tells him. He turns to Hoseok who’s still awkwardly by the door. “He’s supposed to be gone.”

”You didn’t even see if it was okay with me to go,” Jooheon reminds him. “I never said I would leave. You just decided that for me.”

”MinMin,” Hoseok says quietly, “it’s all right. We can just hang out later.”

Minhyuk ignores him. His eyes are fixed on Jooheon, brows furrowed. “Why are you mad at me? You go behind my back and hang out with my ex, but you’re the one who’s mad? At me?”

”Why the fuck would you bring him here, Minhyuk?” Jooheon counters. He snaps his laptop shut, standing up. “There are rules for a reason!"

Minhyuk scoffs. “You mean the ones you made up? Yeah, right. Talk about deciding stuff for other people.”

Jooheon can feel his blood rushing through his body, burning hot and leaving him so light-headed when Hoseok slips out the door with a quiet _‘I’ll just be outside’_ it goes right over his head. “Of course you’ll just like to pin it all on me so you won’t have to take responsibility,” he shoots at him. “I’m so fucking tired of this.”

"Of what?"

”Of all this shit!”

Shouting keeps him from sinking to the floor and choking on a flood of tears, and his mind feels so blank his mouth is just opening, flying with words he doesn’t pause to make sense of.

“I’m tired of you walking all over me!” Jooheon shouts like a roar he didn’t even know he had enough anger in his body to emit. “You never do your fucking chores so you can go suck off some guy’s face and I’ve been paying your half of the damn rent for months; I’m tired of doing everything while you go off and have fun without me and forget all about me like you do all the damn time yet you always want me to be the one who picks up the fucking pieces! I'm so fucking tired of it! I'm so fucking tired of dealing with you!"

”If you’re so fucking tired of me, then leave,” Minhyuk spits.

Jooheon pauses, and then, despite himself, a tear makes it from his eye. “Fine.”

He scrambles to tuck his laptop under his arm and fumbles with his notebook before he’s rushing into his room.

There’s so much to grab, but Jooheon doesn’t wait to let himself process it. His hands are quick as he places the apartment key on the dresser, pulls out his duffel bags, yanks out his clothes and chucks them all inside with shaky hands and damp eyes.

His vision is blurred and he can barely breathe, but he’s scared if he stops then he’ll think. And if he thinks, then he’ll break.

The door creaks open and Jooheon still throws his things around, sniffing with a tear dripping from his chin. He wipes it away into the sleeve of his shirt and ignores the screech the carpet gives under the weight of Minhyuk’s feet.

”Jooheon-ah,” Minhyuk calls softly. Jooheon sucks in a breath and packs away his laptop. He can’t turn to him. He can’t look into his eyes and give in like he does with everything else. He doesn’t want to look at Minhyuk, except he still does want to. He wants to be hugged by him, to be told how important he is and how much Minhyuk loves him, but he doesn’t even want to be touched. “Jooheonie. I’m sorry.”

One drawer is empty. There’s so much else he still has to pack. The duffel bag is already too plump, but Jooheon just pulls out the other one tucked into his closet, dropping it onto his bed.

”You don’t have to leave,” Minhyuk says. He grabs Jooheon’s wrist, pulling the shirt from his hand. “Jooheonie, please. I’m sorry. Don’t go. I’ll pay you back for the rent. All of it. I’ll give you some now, okay?”

He’s already pulling a wallet from his pocket, frantically flipping through bills. Jooheon stares blankly and flicks his eyes up to Minhyuk’s pouting lips and pleading eyes. “You think I care about money?”

”I don’t know,” Minhyuk says, voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do to make you stay. Please, Jooheonie. I’m sorry.”

”I’m tired,” Jooheon whispers, and he’s not sure if he means the heaviness in his eyelids or the energy that’s sucked out of him. Leaving him numb, leaving him weak.

”I’ll make it better. Please. Just stay and I’ll make it better.” He grabs his hand, voice loose and gentle. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“Why’d you bring him here, Minhyuk?”

”I don’t know. I was mad, and I wanted to make you mad and it was a dick move and I’m sorry.”

”I —“ Jooheon pauses, and then pulls his two duffel bags over his head. “I’m sorry too.”

”Jooheon-ah,” Minhyuk pleads. He rushes after him into the living room, right on his heels with each step, and Jooheon just so desperately wants to make it to the door because he knows if he doesn’t then he’ll turn around.

Then he’ll be an idiot. Again. Then he’ll get his heartbroken. Again.

Minhyuk grips his wrist when he makes it into the complex hallway. He’s crying then, the sound filling the silence on their floor, and it feels so weird being the reason tears are spilling down his face. It’s him who’s hurt this time instead of Jooheon, him who’s falling apart.

Jooheon feels like shit.

”I’m sorry,” Minhyuk whimpers. He chokes out a breathless sob, grip so tight and desperate on his wrist. “You’re the only person who hasn’t walked out on me, Jooheonie. You promised me you wouldn’t leave."

It’s a bad idea turning to Minhyuk’s wet cheeks and dripping eyes, but Jooheon whips around to look at him and there’s this ache in his heart that so badly wants to hold him; so badly wants to smooth down Minhyuk’s hair and wipe his tears and make his hyung happy again like he’s done so many times.

It’d be easy, like how he falls into Minhyuk over and over again. He could step into their apartment and curl in Minhyuk’s bed and they could fall asleep side by side with the moon licking at Minhyuk’s face as his eyes flutter closed.

Jooheon steps towards him, and then their lips come together. It’s messy and rushed, and Jooheon tries to take all his hurt and burn it into some fiery passion with Minhyuk pushed against the wall.

He can feel himself falling just from the taste of him again, and it’s not fair.

It’s not fair he’s snatched his heart right from his chest and won’t give it back. It’s not fair someone else gets to have him, always gets to have him, and Jooheon just has to be okay with being left alone.

It’s not fucking fair Minhyuk has to be so pretty and so perfect that Jooheon just helplessly falls for him over and over, falling so deeply it feels like he’s Alice tumbling down the same never-ending hole.

His arms wrap around him, mouth tasting his strawberry Chapstick, melting in the way Minhyuk pulls him right against his chest with his large, warm hands slipping over his back, and just for a fleeting moment with Minhyuk licking in his mouth with their hearts beating together in frantic rhythms, it feels like Minhyuk is his.

Except he isn’t.

He never is.

”Jooheon,” Minhyuk frowns when he pulls away, voice barely a whisper, “please —“

But his fingers are already curling at the straps of his duffel bags, footsteps turned into unsteady sprints.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

"Morning," Jooheon yawns into a spoonful of rice. It feels too early to be alive in Hyungwon's apartment, yet his friend has managed to crawl out from his man cave at 11AM with heavy eyelids and messy hair, shuffling in the kitchen with his socked feet dragging across the floor. 

Jooheon would have loved to sleep in. He felt so drained after Hyungwon swung the door open last night to his stuffed bags and teary eyes. Hyungwon patted his back while Jooheon sat on the couch and offered to watch movies with him. It felt like a good way to get back at Minhyuk for ruining their Friday tradition, but the thought of cuddling on the couch with someone else only made Jooheon want to cry. Hyungwon gave him a fuzzy blanket instead, like he understood completely just from the quiet 'no' Jooheon uttered, and left him alone after pulling a space heater into the living room.

He's not sure how long it took for him to finally fall asleep. After waking up to a stripe of sun and the silhouette of chirping birds outside the window, he sluggishly rummaged through Hyungwon's fridge until he found a container of leftover rice and meat, and then steamed an egg to make it a meal.

"Hey," Hyungwon grumbles. He bends down to look into the fridge, rubbing a fist at his eye before pulling out a container of boiled eggs. "Finished your paper?"

Jooheon hums.

"That's pretty impressive." Hyungwon drags himself and the boiled eggs over to Jooheon, stealing his chopsticks to shamelessly push aside the white rice for a mouthful of meat. "I'm guessing Minhyuk hasn't called you yet."

"Not yet," Jooheon says. Even though he was the one who left, he's kept his phone beside him since he woke up. He only woke up to a missed call from Kihyun, but he didn't call him again or bother leaving a voicemail so Jooheon guesses he can always get back to him later. 

"I'm surprised he didn't spam you from just seeing you walk away." The boiled eggs in Hyungwon's container are all unpeeled, yet he still grabs the wooden spoon in Jooheon's hand and steals a bite of the steamed egg in his bowl. "But don't worry about him. There's no way you'll be away from him a long time. Maybe he's just trying to give you space."

Jooheon isn't sure if Hyungwon means he's too weak to stay away from Minhyuk, or Minhyuk is too clingy for Jooheon to be able to get away from him. Either way he's right. 

"Maybe," he quietly says, stealing back his spoon. Jooheon thinks he should feel free, like a pressure has been released from his chest, a weight lifted off his shoulders. But he just feels like he's carrying a heavier load.

And, well, he hates to admit it, but he misses Minhyuk. It hasn't even been twenty-four hours and it already hurts being away from him. It hurt thinking of the pained look Minhyuk gave him before he pulled away; it hurt falling asleep without this strange comfort of knowing Minhyuk is on the other side of the wall drifting off too.

On the way to class Monday, Kihyun stops him. He's already frowning when Jooheon turns around, and just from that he has a pretty good idea how this will unfold. Even if Kihyun isn't older than Minhyuk and he likes to pretend Minhyuk's mere existence is a burden on his life, he's been pretty tenacious about sticking up for Minhyuk. Probably ever since they first met each other.

"Hey," Kihyun calmly greets, a small smile pushing at his lips. Jooheon does a double-take, confused why his friend isn't already scolding him. He wonders if Minhyuk hadn't bothered telling him what happened, but then again, there's no way Minhyuk hasn't told him. It's Minhyuk; he will tell anything. Especially Kihyun, the first―if not second to Jooheon―to know everything.

"What's up?" Jooheon slowly replies.

"Nothing much," he tells him, "besides these designer eye bags from staying up with Min all night."

And there it is, the ghost of a furrow finding its way in Kihyun's brows. Jooheon can notice how tired he looks, eyes droopy and dull, and it makes him feel a little bad (a little hurt,) wondering if there's a chance of Minhyuk having to wake up looking worse.

"He's not mad, is he?"

"He's not mad," Kihyun says. "He called me last night, saying he's having a heart attack."

Jooheon pauses. "He had a heart attack?"

Kihyun lets out a laugh that even leaves his lips in exhaustion. "No, Jooheon-ah. The potato chips haven't got to him yet, sadly. He sounded so freaked out, though. It was really scary. I just told him to go ahead and call an ambulance."

"Really?" Jooheon utters, voice nearly leaving his mouth in an inaudible squeak. "Minhyuk was in the hospital all night?"

"No," Kihyun replies, again. "The paramedics found out he was just having a panic attack. They calmed him down, and then I took him over to stay with me because he was too upset to be left alone."

"Oh."

"Oh? It's not an  _'oh'_  situation. You can't just 'oh' that, Jooheon."

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

"I don’t want you to say anything to me. I want you to talk to Minhyuk," Kihyun says, like there's anything easy in that. It's easier said than done, and Jooheon doesn't know if he wants to be the one who speaks first. He doesn't know if he wants to speak to Minhyuk at all right now.

He meant it when he said he was tired, and he is. He's tired of being confused. He's tired of being the second choice, the side piece. He's tired of feeling unimportant and temporarily wanted. It's drained him completely, and he's just so tired.

"What would talking to him do? We can't fix this."

"You're not trying to fix it."

"Because I don't want to be disappointed again," Jooheon tells him. "You have no idea what I've had to deal with these past few months."

"I'm pretty sure I do," Kihyun replies without missing a beat. "Minhyuk tells me everything. He's been ranting to me about you guys from the beginning while you've been off telling everything to Hyungwon."

"I really don't want to talk about this right now."

"Okay, fine, that doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that Minhyuk is camping out at my place stealing all the covers in the middle of the night and tucking his cold ass feet in between my ankles, and it matters you hurt someone who cares about you and who you care about and who I care about and you need to fucking fix it, Jooheon."

"Why should I be the one to fix it?" Jooheon argues. "Minhyuk loves Hoseok. He doesn't love me. It's that simple. This is for the best, hyung ―"

"Stop saying that," Kihyun huffs, massaging his temples with four fingers. "Minhyuk cried for two hours last night. I counted. He cried completely sober, no snack breaks. He was crying for you, Jooheon-ah. He was crying because he knew he hurt you and he's scared he ruined whatever you guys had. He couldn't even go to sleep because he missed you and he wanted to be able to go to sleep being with you. You're so clueless you have no idea how much you actually mean to him. You fool yourself into thinking you're not important and it just hurts people who care about you. Minhyuk loves you, okay? He loves you and no matter what you tell yourself, you're important to him. You're always going to be important to him."

"I just," Jooheon bites his lip to keep it from trembling, fingers absently squeezing at the straps of his backpack, "every time I feel important it's only for a few minutes, then he's finished with me and goes to who he really cares about. How am I supposed to feel like I'm anything to him? In the end Minhyuk will always go back to someone else."

"You're the one who left, Jooheon." 

"It's called protecting myself."

"This is how you play it safe?"

Jooheon gives a quick shrug, frustrated. "Sure."

"How's that working for you?"

There's a second Jooheon thinks he's supposed to answer, but the small realization that sinks in with it only churns his stomach. Suddenly, he doesn't want to be here anymore, and the look Kihyun gives him, like he's such a bad person for thinking of himself, only makes him turn on his heels even quicker, backpack slapping against his back with each quick footstep.

So, whatever, he's a bit of a coward. He rather run from scary things, hide away until they fade into something small, something manageable. Because it's that or getting his heart broken. Because Jooheon's scared of being vulnerable again. Because Jooheon's scared of breaking Minhyuk's promise.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Spontaneity is so far from Jooheon's character. Each step seems closer to a mistake, closer to regrets. Jooheon rethinks himself, turns around, and then forces himself to head back again over and over again until he's made it to the train station and he's already feeling anxious.

Taking the bus home after classes is so rooted into his brain he nearly ended up going back to Minhyuk. But of course he doesn't live there anymore. He could have just headed over to Hyungwon's job and got the key to his apartment, but Jooheon found himself wandering instead and buying a train ticket as if his body is being controlled by some external force.

He thinks the only thing he can do impulsively is randomly breaking into song. It's such a great contrast from jumping onto a two-hour train ride with only a phone charger and books in his backpack and no plan. It's too late, though, once he's already sitting down with a bag of chips he happened to not eat during class there's no second-guessing or refund of his 65,000 won. He decides maybe this is just one of those things where the universe is giving him a hidden message and Jooheon just has to follow his feet until he can decipher what exactly that hidden message is.

Still, somehow, it hasn't entirely dawned on him he's lost his best friend. In just a spawn of a few minutes he became homeless and lost Minhyuk, quicker than a blink of his eye, something that meant so much to him is just  _gone_.

And he knows it hasn't hit him because his eyes are dry, because he isn't completely falling apart yet. Jooheon loves Minhyuk so much that he could never imagine himself leaving him. Yet he did, and now everything between them has left too.

He wonders if Minhyuk is still in Kihyun's bed crying over him, or if he's off with Hoseok again to make things better. Both scenarios make him sad, and he knows only one of them is more realistic than the other. By now, Hoseok has probably already replaced him, already filled a hole in Minhyuk's heart ― if Jooheon even means enough to have that much of an impact.

Shaking the thought from his head, Jooheon pulls out his phone. There's already a few notifications from Hyungwon who acts like it takes four back-to-back messages just to say he's home from work and ask him what he wants from McDonald's. Jooheon ignores him for now, since he actually has some sort of courage to motivate him that he wants to use while he has it. He taps in his passcode with quick thumbs until he's scrolling through his list of contacts.

It takes three rings before he answers, voice this soft and deep scratch Jooheon perfectly remembers, "Hello?"

"Quick question," Jooheon greets, like it makes perfect sense to be calling him, "are you in the mood for beer and burgers?"

There's a short pause before Changkyun utters, "You're in Gwangju?"

"I will be in a little over an hour," Jooheon tells him. Another short silence passes that scares him into thinking this was really as bad of an idea as he thought. "Sorry this is really out of nowhere. My classes ended and I randomly thought it'd be a good idea to take a train so we can eat together. I hope you'll see me anyway."

"Well, I am pretty hungry," Changkyun says, and Jooheon lets out a small laugh. "Do you want me to get you?"

"That's what I was hoping."

"Text me when you're close."

Jooheon remembers the last time he saw Changkyun. The sultry air and blistering sun, the black sunglasses pushed in Changkyun’s hair. Now the air is icy and Changkyun’s fringe is over his forehead, hands pocketed in a large sweatshirt. He slides into the booth across from him like a normal person, but it’s been a while since Jooheon has eaten out with anyone besides Minhyuk; for a second he found it weird that Changkyun didn't ditch the booth across to sit beside him.

"It feels like forever since we last saw each other," Jooheon says because it's less awkward than giving an apology. He offers a smile across the table that Changkyun softly reciprocates with a slow tug of his lips, squirting ketchup on his burger. "I hope you had a good winter break."

"It was nice. I didn't have to take a train to go home this time like I had to every holiday in Seoul. You, though, I bet had a good train ride."

"Yeah, right," Jooheon sarcastically smiles. "I had to take care of my brother all break. My parents ditched us as soon as Christmas ended to take a trip to Taiwan."

Changkyun laughs. "You should've hung out with me then."

It sounds like it's supposed to be a joke, although that was supposed to be the plan after Changkyun left. He promised to make up for lost time during winter break by coming to see him, and Jooheon wondered what he would do then, thinking he would soon have the guts to confess to Minhyuk, wondering how complicated things would become if Changkyun came back, feeling bad because he kind of didn't want him to if he would only come back for him. 

"It's weird how things change," Changkyun murmurs, suddenly serious. "This same time last year I didn't even know you existed."

"Are you happy you know I do?"

Changkyun laughs and takes a bite of his burger.

"Wow," Jooheon jokes. He guesses he deserves that. "Things really do change quickly. A few weeks would have been my second year of living with Minhyuk."

"Would have?" Changkyun questions.

"We got into a big fight." Jooheon weakly shrugs at the look of sympathy shot at him.

It still hurts. They've never actually been upset with each other like this. Of course there are times when Jooheon shouts at Minhyuk for eating the food he was saving for himself in the refrigerator, or the times Minhyuk ignores him because Jooheon doesn't want to give him attention. They've actually argued a lot, now that Jooheon thinks of it.

When Jooheon watches an episode they've been waiting for without him. When Minhyuk goes in his room and messes with his action figures. When Minhyuk sneaks blurry photos of him and sends it to Kihyun as a meme. When they go out to eat and don't invite each other.

But it's always just little things. Something they easily forget about, or even crack a smile while they're arguing. Jooheon likes pretending to be mad at Minhyuk because then he's clingy and tries to squeeze all his affection out into an apology, and Jooheon likes not being able to fight the smile tugging at his lips when Minhyuk hugs him from behind and says he's sorry until Jooheon finally gives in and forgives him.

But this is nothing like that. This feels irreparable.

"So, yeah," Jooheon sighs when the silence is too long and Changkyun's just awkwardly gulping down his beer, "things are a mess between us. I couldn't take it anymore."

"You're done with him? Like, really?"

Jooheon wonders if he should be. Maybe things would be easier, less complicated, if he never spoke to Minhyuk ever again. He could block his number and move into the empty bed in Hyungwon's apartment, hope to live without foolishly pining over someone who will never like him in the same way.

But he thinks of never hearing Minhyuk's laugh again. Never being enveloped in another one of his warm hugs. Never being able to cuddle against him on the couch when it's Friday and they talk about their week with Minhyuk caressing the nape of his neck with gentle fingers.

A life without Minhyuk leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He shakes the thought away, washing it down with beer.

"I don't know."

"I thought you guys would be together by now," Changkyun quietly admits. "You stopped talking to me so suddenly; I thought it was because of him."

"We're just friends," Jooheon tells him, although it hurts to say, burns his throat just to force the words out. He watches the way Changkyun stabs his fork into a bundle of thin fries, avoiding his eyes.

"But you like him."

"I've been working on getting over it."

Changkyun's jaw clenches. He slowly munches on his forkful of fries. "Does he know?"

"That I like him?" Jooheon pauses to think over it before shaking his head. "I don't think so."

"You know what I think?" Hesitantly, Jooheon hums, pausing from cutting through his burger. "I think you didn't come to see me."

"I don't have any other reason to be in Gwangju."

"Except that Minhyuk isn't in Gwangju."

Jooheon purses his lips and Changkyun exhales a short laugh, pointing his fork at him.

"Exactly."

"I miss him," Jooheon stupidly admits.

"Then just be with him."

"Things aren't always that simple. He doesn't care about me. Sometimes I think he does, but then it feels like he doesn't."

"Have you even asked him what he thinks of you?"

Jooheon cuts a piece of his burger, stuffing it in his mouth. "I don't want to, because then I'd know I'm right."

"Jooheon ―"

"You're right, okay?" Jooheon tersely interrupts. He drops his fork onto the plate, pushing his chair back. "I came here to get away. Moving out wasn't enough and obviously running away to be here wasn't enough. And I knew that―I  _know_  that―but I want to pretend running away will solve everything even if I know it won't and I know when I go back to Seoul I'll have to deal with not being wanted again. I just want to eat a burger for like thirty-minutes and act like I'm not in love with someone who'll never love me back and get mildly drunk because I deserve it, okay? Is it bad to want that?"

"Well," Changkyun utters, "if you wanted to get mildly drunk then I don't think a burger joint is a good place for it."

Jooheon trails his eyes up to him and chokes out a small laugh. "What?"

"There's a little kid like right there," Changkyun chuckles, flicking his eyes over to a small family plopping down at a booth. "Told you we should've went to that sushi restaurant I suggested."

"Sushi won't comfort me.”

"And burgers will," Changkyun follows, mocking him. Jooheon only cocks an amused smile, watching as he takes another long gulp from his glass. "I say we ask for to-go boxes."

"Why? You have something else in mind?"

It only takes a few seconds to follow after Changkyun into the washroom, and it takes even shorter for their lips to come together. It's strange because Jooheon doesn't remember Changkyun like this, and he doesn't even know why Changkyun wants to kiss him or why he even followed him, but he knew things would end like this. He knew he would kiss Changkyun and hold him against the door, fumbling with the lock.

There's something so palpably different from kissing Minhyuk. Now he can only think of every little move he makes and the way Changkyun massages their lips, so meticulous and slow, and Jooheon tries to fall into it.

Every time his lips crashed with Minhyuk it seemed like a mess, feverish and absentminded. Their hands would just land where it felt right, and Jooheon never had to think. There was never any room to wonder about if he was doing something right.

He stopped worrying and just wanted, and he always wanted Minhyuk so badly, wanting to kiss him as deeply as he can, feel his bare skin against his own. He could blow on Minhyuk’s earlobe, kiss the inside of his knees and not worry if Minhyuk found it weird or thought he was weird, because he didn't care how weird he was except he just wanted so badly to have his lips and hands every-fucking-where it could go.

He just had to feel, take every emotion Minhyuk could give him, wallow in it, fill himself with Minhyuk.

Jooheon is overwhelmed with the fact he is the hyung here. Changkyun subtly relies on him in a different way than Minhyuk does. He's always seemed to wait on him, quiet with his fingers curled at the waistband of his jeans, slightly pushed on the tips of his toes.

He tastes the beer in Changkyun's mouth and unbuttons his jeans because he thinks just how he deserves to get drunk and eat burgers and to pretend, he thinks he deserves this. He thinks he deserves to feel liked. He thinks he deserves to get off, even if it's just in some dim-lit family washroom in a burger restaurant. Even if he wants this a little harder, just a bit more fiery and fervent.

Changkyun suddenly pulls away with Jooheon's hand on his cheek, fingers gently resting over his skin. Slowly, he drops onto the soles of his shoes again.

"Do you wish I was Minhyuk?" Changkyun quietly asks.

And Jooheon feels so bad, so stupid and sheepish when he realizes he does. Oh, God, how much he does. He misses Minhyuk kissing him, his fast and knowing fingers like he's memorized every inch of him. How he's just the right amount of rough and makes Jooheon feel so good, gives him exactly what he wants and how he wants it.

But mostly, Jooheon just misses Minhyuk. He misses waking up and seeing Minhyuk's sleepy smile and bed hair in the kitchen. He misses when they'll sneak into each other's bed cuddled too close, limbs displaced and tangled and simply his favorite part of any day. He misses when Minhyuk makes him laugh until his ribs ache, the quiet moments they share on the couch of their apartment; the times when Minhyuk gives him everything, so open and so vulnerable with him in a way he always holds back with anyone else.

"I'm sorry," Jooheon utters.

"I know." Changkyun buttons his pants, lips upturned, dimples visible in his cheeks yet he isn't smiling. "Go be with him, okay?"

No one will have to ever tell him twice.

And this is what Jooheon really knew would happen. He knew in the end he'd be back at the train station with bouncing knees and fiddling fingers; after sprinting away with an overstuffed duffel bag and teary eyes, after running to another apartment, to another city, away from Minhyuk, away from all his insecurities, he knew in the end he'd always go running back. 

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

The campus café is where Kihyun says Minhyuk should be the next afternoon. Minhyuk goes to four classes starting in the morning, and then plops down at a table at the café, laptop on the table, earphones dangling from his ears. It would look like Minhyuk is studying to anyone else, but he's usually just bingeing mukbang and gaming videos on YouTube with a drink.

Somehow Minhyuk manages to stick out in any crowd, or maybe it's just because Jooheon has this inner magnetic compass that always leads him back home. He makes out his best friend in the back of the small building, a leg crossed over the other, leaning over with one more binge away from being diagnosed with scoliosis to watch whatever is playing on the screen of his laptop.

Sucking in a breath, Jooheon walks over to him, each step slow until Minhyuk looks up with wide eyes and Jooheon is standing over him.

The café seems to fall silent. Minhyuk's hair is tousled underneath a wool beanie, rose gold strands falling in his eyes. He looks so tired. Jooheon doesn't know if it's just the spring semester kicking his ass like it's kicking his, or if it’s because of his absence, but the dark circles under his eyes tug at Jooheon's heart, makes it sink a little.

"Hey," Jooheon stupidly greets. He shoves a hand into his pocket and retrieves it with a fogged, plastic bag. "This has been in my pocket for like an hour, but I have a feeling you'll eat it anyway."

Instantly Minhyuk is pulling the plastic from the steamed bun, its scent instantly whiffing past their noses. "Pork?" he asks.

"Duh." Jooheon plops down beside him. "What else would it be? Chicken?"

Minhyuk snorts a quiet laugh and pulls out his earphones. His smile stretches at his lips until he's grinning with a mouth of white teeth, biting into it happily even if it’s probably somewhere between lukewarm and cold. "You came over here just to bring me a steamed bun?"

"Something like that," Jooheon smiles back.

"I can always count on you."

"And I can always count on you."

“I wish that was true.” His smile wavers from the words, fingers absently coming up to brush at the overgrown and faded hair over his sideburns.“How have you been, Jooheon-ah?”

“Confused, a little frustrated,” Jooheon admits, almost as if it’s nothing. “What about you?”

“I’ve felt really lonely,” Minhyuk whispers. “Hoseok broke up with me. The day after you left he called me and ended things. Apparently he saw us kissing in the hallway.”

”Oh,” he utters, trying to find a way to seem like that doesn’t make him smile, “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not,” Minhyuk laughs. “But I’m not sorry either. We were going to end eventually, and I was tired of lying to him.”

Jooheon nods. “All in all, he was a good guy.”

”And all in all, I’m tired of lying to you too.”

Jooheon pauses, watching the way Minhyuk’s Adam’s apple bobs in his throat when he swallows. “About what?”

"I haven't been a good hyung. You mean so much and I haven't shown that to you like I should've. I'm really sorry, Jooheon-ah." Minhyuk sets the steamed bun on the table and grabs one of Jooheon's hands, caressing his palm with the pad of his thumb. His touch is so intimate and soft, and Jooheon can feel every nerve in his body shooting alive from being touch-starved for only a few weeks. He wants to throw himself at him, press their lips together and kiss away all his frustration and need. 

"I missed you."

"I missed you more." Minhyuk wraps his arms around him and Jooheon slips his chin on Minhyuk's shoulder. 

His embrace is always so warm, always smells so sweet like a Starbucks during autumn. Jooheon loves him so much. He loves him so much it drives him crazy and he can't just hold it inside anymore.

Jooheon pulls away, even if he doesn't want to, and Minhyuk is still holding his hand. His finger is still so gentle, so comforting, and Jooheon melts in him and his beautiful smile like he always so easily does.

”I don’t want to lie anymore either,” Jooheon tells him. He pauses for a second, capturing every inch of Minhyuk’s face. He wants to remember him like this, remember him happy and close to him before it could possibly be snatched. “I love you. No ― I'm in love with you. There’s no one who can make me as happy as I am when I’m with you, and I wish I could give that to you too. I want to. Ever since I met you I’ve wanted so badly to make you feel happy. I want to make you feel like how Hoseok did.”

The way Minhyuk blinks at him is so slow and incomprehensible that Jooheon worries if he should have just never said anything. It’s like the stunned stare from their first kiss on the carpet of his floor, except this look is so blank, such a lack of surprise yet somehow still startled. “That’s why you hated him,” he finally says.

"Hate is a strong word."

"Except you hated him."

Jooheon bites his lip, and then laughs, quietly, flicking his eyes up at Minhyuk with a smile. “Maybe I hated him a little.”

”I hated Changkyun,” Minhyuk blurts. “He was so sweet with you and I hated it. I hated that he made you happy, but I love seeing you so happy. Just seeing you smile or hearing your laugh makes my whole day. I've always wanted to keep you like that. Smiling, laughing―that's the only way I could let myself love you because I was scared. I  _am_  scared."

There's a second Jooheon doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't even know if he's comprehending the words that are coming from his mouth in the way he's supposed to. But there's a ghost of a smile on Minhyuk's lips, this sincerity in his eyes that has never ever been for Jooheon except now.

Right here with Minhyuk's hand in his and the air smelling of sugar, and Minhyuk looking at him with something sweeter than any coffee cream, those eyes so full of love and meaning are looking at him like Jooheon is all that matters.

"Every time I let myself like someone they realize how much of a fuck-up I am, and then they leave me," Minhyuk tells him, voice soft, pained. "I couldn't let that happen with us. I didn't want you to know I loved you because then you'd see a part of me everybody hates, and I couldn't stand the thought of you leaving me. But I fucked things up anyway. I made you leave."

"You didn't fuck things up."

"But you left me." His eyes are already glassy with tears fighting against his waterline. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, Jooheon. I tried to protect myself and didn't even realize what that was doing to you. Every guy I dated, I was just trying to find a way to forget you and make you not like me anymore so that I won't ruin things, but I never thought about how much that was ruining you. I'm sorry."

"You knew I loved you? This whole time?”

”It took a while,” Minhyuk quickly says. “We fell asleep together one night, and then I woke up and turned around and I noticed you were staring at me. I tried to play it off like I was still sleeping because I didn’t know if you were trying to kill me or something, but then you kissed my cheek. You never kiss my cheek.”

A sheepish smile tugs on Jooheon’s lips. He remembers that. They had been living together for a while and Minhyuk snuggled in the bed beside him after a long day of classes, mumbling about how he hates his professor and he hates school. Something about him was so cute. Jooheon just wanted to hold him, push his hair from his face and kiss his forehead until every thought that exhausts him withers away.

“I should’ve brought it up,” Minhyuk says, “but if I did, then what? I didn’t want to lose you.”

Seeing the way Minhyuk’s lips quiver, his teary eyes and furrowed brows, Jooheon realizes Kihyun was right. Jooheon does fool himself into thinking he isn’t important, and he doesn’t think about how much that can hurt someone else. All this time—every tear he’s shed over Minhyuk, every night he stayed awake when Minhyuk was off with a boyfriend and wondered what it would feel like to be the one who Minhyuk was with—Minhyuk was hurting too. Minhyuk was scared too.

Minhyuk has always depended on him. Things go wrong and he could so easily run to Kihyun who cooks better and has better words, maybe even better hugs, yet Jooheon is always the first one Minhyuk comes running to. Over and over again. Jooheon doesn’t know how he could have never thought of it. But then again, it’s so hard to think after every boy Minhyuk has liked, every boy who has broke his heart and Jooheon made his mission to fix, it could be possible for him to be the one Minhyuk would put his heart out on his sleeve for. It seems unrealistic, something he could only wish would happen.

“It hurt seeing you with other boys,” Jooheon says. “It hurt when you would make me feel important and then go back to Hoseok.”

“I shouldn’t have played you guys like that,” Minhyuk nods, frowning. “I wanted to like Hoseok as much as I like you, but I can’t force myself to fall out of love.”

"So, you love me?"

“Well,” Minhyuk utters, and then he pauses, a teasing smile tugging on his lips like he's contemplating some witty response to shoot at him. He chokes out a laugh instead, pinches the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, I do."

"Say it."

And Jooheon thinks he will instantly put up a fight, because that's the way everything is with Minhyuk. But he only lifts a hand to his cheek, stroking the dimple there, obliges with this voice so soft, so husky and full of meaning. "I love you, Jooheon."

Jooheon could kiss him right now. He could openly pour everything he feels into him right now. “You can trust me," he promises.

"Yeah?" Suddenly, Minhyuk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tangerine, quickly peeling the orange away with nimble fingers and a concentrated stare. It's so random, probably the least of the weird things Minhyuk has done, but still the worst time to want a tangerine.

"What are you doing?"

"Hold on."

Jooheon waits, brows furrowed, as Minhyuk sets the peeling and tangerine pith aside on the table. Proudly, he presents it to him, a wide grin stretched on his face.

"Here you go ― a peeled tangerine."

"What?" Jooheon laughs, and then the memory of a Friday on their couch shoots in his mind like a flashback; Minhyuk so close to him and the two boys talking of their types like teenage girls at a sleepover. Smiling, Jooheon takes the tangerine from his hand. Every white string peeled, leaving it perfectly orange.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

Whenever Jooheon thought of Minhyuk he felt like something untouchable; something far and out of reach, like a planet light years from earth.

But when he kisses Minhyuk it almost feels like he couldn't get any closer.

His fingers brush goosebumps on his skin, and he thinks he can almost feel Minhyuk's heartbeat against his chest, following the same rhythm of his own. 

His eyes follow Minhyuk's skin when he pulls his sweatshirt from over his head as if it's the first time he's ever seen him unclothed. He's lighter from the cool weather, a little smoother under Jooheon's fingertips than he remembers, and Jooheon easily runs his hand up Minhyuk's belly and chest, stealing a quick kiss from his lips.

"It's kinda weird you shave in the winter," Jooheon snorts. 

"It's not weird," Minhyuk argues. He sits up, abruptly straddling Jooheon's waist. "No one's going to catch me off guard."

"Your balls were pretty caught off guard every other time we slept together."

Minhyuk lightly hits his arm with a smile, and then punches a soft fist in his chest over and over again until Jooheon finally subdues his unapologetic laughs. "Didn't stop you, though."

"It didn't."

"Won't stop you now either, will it?" There's already a roguish smile at Minhyuk's lips when his hand comes up to grab Jooheon's jaw, and this is really what Jooheon loves the most about them. Only with Minhyuk he can play like this and bicker and love it and love the way Minhyuk uses his feigned exasperation to press a hard kiss to his mouth.

Minhyuk isn't easy, ever. Jooheon thinks this whole time, even from the beginning of saying his first words to Minhyuk, he's felt more frustration than he's felt in all his years of living. Minhyuk gives him a headache. Minhyuk drives him crazy. But Jooheon thinks that's how he figured out this "infatuation" he held for his roommate was much more than just that. 

It was more than thinking Minhyuk's smile is pretty or thinking of how thoughtful it is for Minhyuk to take time out of his day to bring him coffee while he's pent up in a record shop that always smells like a nursing home and cigarettes.

All of his feelings are so much more than being happy with the thought of Minhyuk, and he knows that because he doesn't know what to do when Minhyuk isn't giving him a headache. If Minhyuk isn't driving him crazy, if everything is easy, then it isn't Minhyuk. And Minhyuk is all Jooheon wants.

He watches his face when Minhyuk pulls away from his lips, eyes so sunny like looking into a coruscating glimmer of brown. Jooheon wraps his arms around his waist and lets Minhyuk press a kiss into his jaw, and with the smile that tugs at his lips Jooheon knows this is the easy part about loving Minhyuk. The easy part is wasting a Saturday away with him, like kissing him until his lips are bruised. 

"You're so beautiful," Minhyuk tells him, a hushed whisper against Jooheon's mouth that shoots a shiver down his spine. His hands pull Jooheon's tee shirt from over his messy hair and he's already working on untying his joggers before it seems it can even hit the floor.

There are a lot of things Jooheon could tell him. He could tell Minhyuk how crazy he is about him. He could tell him that if they just lie here and pretend nothing else exists and just kiss each other like time has stopped, Jooheon could happily ignore the rest of the world.

But he only gives him a silent smile, swallows up his voice in another deep and hard kiss, loving the way Minhyuk always tastes sweet and familiar.

"Remember the night Hyungwon broke up with me?" Minhyuk randomly utters.

Jooheon doesn't care about the night Hyungwon broke up with him. Minhyuk is right there on top of him sitting on his hard-on, yet he makes no move sitting up and yanking the joggers from his legs. He looks up at him anyway, asks, "What about it?"

"I knew exactly what I was doing."

"You could barely walk," Jooheon teases. He runs a hand over Minhyuk's hair, pulls him down for another kiss. "I bet you don't even remember half of that night."

"Oh, yeah?" Minhyuk smiles in his mouth, then trails his lips along his jaw as playful and teasing as usual. "Remember this?"

Jooheon sets himself up for the kiss he presses behind his earlobe, so sneaky and quick before his tongue is tracing the shape of his ear in this painfully slow graze that seems to have every hair on his arms standing at full alert. Somehow Jooheon is such a sucker for this. He could pounce on him right now if he let himself. 

Minhyuk's tongue is a flicker over his earlobe again. It's the only thing Jooheon can say he's assiduous with when it comes to this, and even if it's damn torturous Jooheon has a way of melting into him. Minhyuk slips off him slowly, and Jooheon flutters his eyes closed as Minhyuk softly kisses his skin, gently sucking his earlobe in his mouth as his hand sinks down to wrap around his dick.

"I don't remember this," Jooheon whispers.

He exhales a laugh, kisses behind Jooheon's ear again. "My strength is freestyling."

"Oh, so that's what you call it," Jooheon smiles, fingers lacing through Minhyuk's hair when his lips are sucking a bruise on his neck. "Well, I like it."

"I like you." Minhyuk quickens his hand, kisses him when his lips fall open. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"Impossible," Minhyuk argues, because that's what he's supposed to say. His thumb circles around the slit of his dick, lips cocking with a smile when Jooheon exhales a small sigh, tongue lapping around his own mouth. "Should I swallow you down or fuck you?"

"Just do both."

"And what do I get out of it?"

"Seeing me get off."

"All right, pillow princess," Minhyuk teases. He sucks at his neck again with his long, slender fingers pumping him. Jooheon doesn't know where to put his attention. "You've gotta work for it, though."

Of course. There's only one way Jooheon can get anything when it comes to Minhyuk.

"Or what?" he challenges.

Minhyuk narrows his eyes at him, some devilish smile already playing at his lips. "What?"

"You wouldn't leave me like this," Jooheon says, simply. He watches the way Minhyuk's eyes change, the way a spark of excitement dances in them. "Even if I didn't beg you'd still get me off."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"You're so confident, aren't you?"

There's a short second they stare at each other, and then Minhyuk reaches over and practically snatches the lube from his drawer, uncaps it with the quickest Jooheon has ever seen him move.

"Told you," Jooheon says, because he's too satisfied with himself to not let it known that he's won. 

"You'd just be sulky if I left you here,"  Minhyuk explains. He's already distracted, careless about defending himself well while he coats his fingers. "I don't want to be that mean to my Jooheonie. But I could."

"Oh, sure ―"

Minhyuk shoves two fingers inside of him and Jooheon has to bite down on his lip, already exhilarated. It feels good being stretched, and Jooheon thinks of how much he missed this too. He knows him well and Jooheon loves it. He knows how to care for him and he knows how to not hurt him. He knows how fast Jooheon likes it and whether or not he needs to soften, to slow down. He knows just how to have Jooheon's dick leaking over his belly, legs already instinctively spread and every inch of his skin itching to have Minhyuk, all of him.

There are too many things about Minhyuk that are extraordinary; too many things he can expect from only him, to only want from him.

"You like it like this, right?" Minhyuk asks. He leans over him and pecks his lips, purposefully lingering on his mouth. "Probably just so you can look at me, which I entirely understand."

"Have you always been this obnoxious?"

Minhyuk lets out a small laugh and pulls away. Jooheon honestly can't get enough of him. He's so cute―and all his, all fucking his―that Jooheon almost wants to find something else to bicker about. But the thought is lost when Minhyuk grabs him by the legs and eases them open.

"Heads up, I don't think I'm this flexible," Jooheon quickly interjects.

With the way Minhyuk looks down at him, he's not sure if he even cares about his flexibility anymore. So quickly he's aching for something, with Minhyuk so close and nothing separating them it's suddenly even harder to wait.

"Just tell me if this gets uncomfortable." Gently, he pushes Jooheon's legs back a little more, hovers over him again with his warm body and gentle voice. "How do we explain it if I break your legs?"

"I'll say my boyfriend literally has big dick energy."

Minhyuk laughs, kisses him again, and Jooheon can already feel the ache in the stretch of his thigh muscles when his legs are slipped over his shoulders. But he couldn't careless by now. In this position there isn't much room to complain. 

Everything is so familiar and Jooheon doesn't know why anyone would ever say familiarity makes this any less euphoric. The way Minhyuk fills him up; his large hand finding its way on his throat, quick hips snapping against Jooheon with a sharp  _slap_  of skin-to-skin―every little thing so easily pushing Jooheon over the edge.

Even like this, Jooheon can still see the cute side of Minhyuk. Even when he presses his mouth to his ear, whispers, "I want to hear you."

Jooheon obliges with a quiet moan. He's too weak to put up a fight. So close, chasing after that high, and he already feels like he might go crazy hearing every warm breath Minhyuk exhales as he pounds in him.

"Say my name," Minhyuk tells him then with this knowing smile. Probably taking advantage of how thoughtless Jooheon is. Another moan slips his mouth and Jooheon can't even seem to care, can't even care how much he could just fall into Minhyuk right now. 

"Hyung," he breathes. 

Because it's one less syllable than 'Minhyuk.' Because it's the only comprehensible word that rings in his thoughts.  _Oh, hyung._ _Yes, hyung. Fuck, hyung._

Minhyuk smiles, bangs stuck to his forehead with sweat, and he's so damn cute yet so damn sexy and Jooheon hates him for being both.

He's so in love with him that it's a little amazing. Ridiculous, mostly, yes; so ridiculous how Jooheon can still feel how soft Minhyuk is, feel how protective he is, feel how he burns with affection and love. He just wants to kiss Minhyuk's face right off when they both come with Minhyuk moaning loudly into his mouth, always so unashamed and sure of himself, and Jooheon thinks he wants to have his muffled groan saved as a voice memo to keep forever.

Minhyuk collapses on top of him and they tangle in each other as they fall from their high, neither of them moving. They don't have to move. They don't want to. Jooheon wants the world to go away and he wants to grab Minhyuk, hold him close, hold him even closer.

Sure, Jooheon is Minhyuk's baby, but Minhyuk is still Jooheon's baby too.

He curls into his chest and Jooheon watches the way his head rises and falls with each breath. It doesn't matter if they're sweaty and tired and messy, neither of them move an inch. Jooheon runs his fingers through the faded pink strands of his hair because Minhyuk is his, finally his, and he can love him all he wants, kiss him and hug him and be vulnerable and show himself in all the ways he can because Minhyuk is his.

It's a quick snapshot in Jooheon's brain―or would be anyway, if he had a photographic memory―of his baby listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat, face still, eyes closed, cheeks the slightest brush of pink. Jooheon wants to bury it in a time capsule and never forget the way it reaches every inch of his body. He wants to frame how perfect Minhyuk is, how perfect this is, how Jooheon feels as if he could never be met with a bad day for the rest of his life.

It's his favorite feeling, he decides. It's the feeling of being the first choice.

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

 

There are four new rules.

1) Fridays are always for movie nights and Saturdays are for take-out and cuddling.

2) Minhyuk has to pay his debt off in long kisses (which definitely is the reason why they can never keep their lips off each other.)

3) Boyfriends are allowed, because Jooheon is in fact Minhyuk's boyfriend.

4) They might break each other's hearts sometimes, but they have to be the one who fixes it.


End file.
